The Topic You MUST Address With Your Children

As a newborn my son slept in a bare crib to reduce the risk of SIDS.  

When he was crawling we gated the stairs so he wouldn't fall.  

Later, as he started to pull himself up on furniture, we bolted our tall bookshelves to the wall, just in case.  

Now that he is a toddler and has learned more about kinesthetics, we worry less about maneuvering the stairs.  Instead we focus on keeping chemicals and medicine out of his reach and holding our hands while crossing the street.

Like all parents, I would do anything to protect my son.  We don't want to raise him in a glass box, but we do want to set boundaries and take precautions for his safety.

We diligently baby-proofed the house, not just out of necessity, but out of love.

If we truly love our children, though, I think we'll do more than baby-proof.

If we truly love our children, I think we absolutely must open our eyes to the reality of sexual abuse in our world and address it with our children at a young age.

Statistics show that 1 out of every 4 girls and 1 out of every 6 boys were will sexually abused by the time they are 18.

Please don't think that your family will be the exception.  Abuse shows no favoritism - it touches all races, religions, and socio-economic statuses.  And if it doesn't effect your family, it most definitely will effect some of your child's friends and classmates.  Be prepared to help.

This is not a one-time conversation and certainly not a subject to put off until a child reaches a certain age.  Since our son was a baby we've been incorporating specific parenting techniques geared towards protecting him from sexual abuse and educating him properly.

1.  Use Anatomically Correct Names for Body Parts

Begin this practice during diaper changes and baths when your child is a newborn and it will become natural.  Use the name of body parts matter-of-factly just as you would teach them matter-of-factly about their elbow or nose.  Demonstrate that there is no shame associated with these parts of the body.

2.  Allow Them to Say "No"

I know a lot of parents who teach "instant obedience".  And I know that toddler can be particularly frustrating when they say "no" to everything.  But saying "no" is a empowering, important lesson for our children to learn. 

They need to know that their body is their own and that they are in control of it.  They always have the right to say "no," even if it is just a hug from mom or dad.  One way to teach this is to tell you child to say, "I'd like some personal space please." 

We want our son to know that certain parts of the body are always off-limits to other people.  We say: "The only people who can touch there are mommy, daddy, and the doctor, and ONLY if they need to for a diaper change or for your health."

3.  Teach Alternate Greetings

Since we need to teach children that they are in control of their bodies, we have to give them freedom in this area.  One way is by teaching them alternate greetings for people.  Someone I know who had been abused once said to me, "I always got in trouble for not wanting to hug that relative, but I just wish someone had asked WHY I didn't want to hug them." 

Instead of requiring your children to hug people (especially relatives who may be pushy about it or get their feelings hurt), speak up for them and say, "Would you like to give Uncle So-and-So a hug, a high-five, or a handshake?"

4.  Teach (and Model) Informed Consent 

Just as my son has the right to say "no", he also must respect when someone else says "no" even if it seems trivial.

People were outraged when a 6 year-old boy was suspended for kissing a girl in his class.  People defended it as being "cute" and "innocent".  I'm not sure if suspension was the correct way to deal with this situation.  But I know that I want my son to recognize that someone else's body is their own and that is not cute or funny or "being a boy" to force yourself upon another person in any way.

5.  Talk About Tricky People

Most abusers are people you know, not strangers.  So while I'll caution my son about "stranger danger," we'll be talk more often about "tricky people".  Our son is never alone with anyone unless both my husband and I trust them 100%.  But even still,  we feel the need to talk plainly about tricky people. 

We'll say it like this: "Tricky people can be anyone: a teacher, a friend, a relative, a babysitter.  They are tricky because you will like them and want to trust them, but you still don't feel right about it.  A tricky person wants you to keep a secret from your parents, which is NEVER okay, but especially not if the secret makes you feel bad inside."

Also prepare your children that a tricky person might say that they will hurt someone if your child tells the secret or that no one will believe them.  Assure your children far in advance that you will absolutely believe them and that you will handle it and that they don't need to be ashamed.

   
6.  Have Books or Movies

Keep books and/or movies on hand that teach about body parts and/or about abuse.  Books are a great way to open a conversation with a child.  These resources can give your child the words they need to discuss abuse and give them confidence that everything will be okay.

7.  Research Your Childcare Options

Since I'm home with our son at this point, we only have had to worry about childcare at churches.  He is not sent into any church nurseries unless we've researched their childcare policies (and he usually doesn't go in the first few weeks).  Thankfully most churches these days have realized the importance of protecting against sexual abuse and have strict policies in place.  

But GRACE (Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment) says that 93% of all sexual offenders describe themselves as "religious."  Terrifying.   Of the people I know who have been abused, it has almost always happened in Christian families, in churches, in Christian schools, and in Christian ministries.

8.  Give Them a Script to Follow

I said earlier that books or movies might help give your child the words to say.  But you can help too.  Make this a regular conversation in your home - if you are awkward and embarrassed about the subject, they will be too.  And they won't come to you when something is wrong. 

Tell them that it's always okay to talk with you, even if someone just makes them feel uncomfortable.

It might take a lot for your child to talk to you about abuse, even if it is happening to a friend, so make it easier on them by telling them that they can come talk to you about it at anytime, or can even write you a letter about it if that's easier.

Looking for more resources?  Check out these links! 

Articles:

Child Sex Abuse is a Taboo Topic For Some Parents (CNN)

Calling Out the Evangelical Culture of Sexual Abuse (in a mirror dimly)

The Super Ten, Play-It-Safe Rules for Kids and Grownups (Safely Ever After)

8 Ways to Protect Your Child From Sexual Abuse (Raising Godly Children)

Tricky People Are the New Strangers (Checklist Mommy)

10 Way to Talk to Your Kids About Sexual Abuse (Everyday Feminism)

The Healthy Sex Talk: Teaching Consent To Kids Ages 1-21 (The Good Men Project)

Talking With Kids About Sexual Abuse (Musing Momma)

Fold Your Hands {On Teaching Consent to Pre-Schoolers} (A Deeper Story)


Books:

My Body Belongs to Me: A Book About Body Safety

Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept

Amazing You!  Getting Smart About Your Private Parts

I Said No: A Kid-to-Kid Guide to Keeping Your Private Parts Private

the best of the month: APRIL

Last month I started a series called The Best of the Month where I share my favorite articles and blog posts from the past month.  Each day I read multiple articles so when I come across one that I really like, I save the link.  At the end of the month I sort through all the links, divide them into categories, and share my favorite from each one.  Hope that you enjoy these reads as much as I did.


PARENTING

Jessica at Jessica Lynn Writes: Hope For My Military Child

This morning I was holding my newborn daughter, and for the first time I felt a twinge of sadness. She didn't choose this lifestyle. Her dad will deploy in the future and leave her for months at a time. Through her tears, I'll have to explain why he left and comfort her when all she wants is him. I love that she'll grow up experiencing new places, but it absolutely breaks my heart that she'll see her family's faces more on a computer screen than in person. 

This may be the life I chose, but I didn't necessarily choose it for her, so I hope I can show her the positive aspects of this military life and I hope they'll outweigh the negative just a little bit. I hope the friends we make across the world will become her surrogate family, giving her the physical hugs, kisses, and playtime when her real family is far away. I hope my husband and I will be a good example as parents so when he jets off for the sandbox she'll know he's coming back to a family bound by love. I hope, whether we move across the world or down the street, that she'll understand—as cliche as this is—that her home isn't defined by an address, but by where her heart is planted.

BLOGGING

Laura at Hollywood Housewife: Blogging is My Favorite: When I Blog

Your favorite bloggers - those that write well, post frequently, or photograph recipes, fashion, or crafts - are spending a lot of time on their blogs. They’re not squeezing it in during naptime. If they don’t have some sort of help...or kids in school all day, I guarantee you that they’re getting up extra early or working late into the night. Solid blogging takes a lot of time. The content itself takes hours, but then if you want anyone to see it you have to have a presence on social media, respond to reader and professional emails, and deal with various backend issues.

FEMINISM

Sandra Glahn at Her.meneutics: The Feminists We Forgot 

This "new woman" is not an invention of second-wave feminism either. Betty Friedan did not start the "woman movement;" Christians did. Motivated by the belief that men and women were made in God's image to "rule the earth" together, these pro-woman, pro-justice believers sought to right wrongs for those who had less social influence.

HEALTH

Eve O. Schaub at Everyday Health: Our Year of No Sugar: One Family's Grand Adventure 

 I wanted to see how hard it would be to have our family — me, my husband, and our two children (ages 6 and 11) — spend an entire year eating foods that contained no added sugar. We’d cut out anything with an added sweetener, be it table sugar, honey, molasses, maple syrup, agave or fruit juice. We also excluded anything made with fake sugar or sugar alcohols. Unless the sweetness was attached to its original source (e.g., a piece of fruit), we didn’t eat it. 

Once we started looking we found sugar in the most amazing places: tortillas, sausages, chicken broth, salad dressing, cold cuts, crackers, mayonnaise, bacon, bread, and even baby food. 

CHRISTIANITY

(I'm including two from this category because there were SO MANY amazing choices - I finally narrowed it down to these two)

Rebecca Wohl at Commission on Biblical Gender Equality: I Can't Change My Spots

I took her hands even tighter into my own and led her to a chair so we could talk. Her sweet spirit and kind words moved my heart, and I could tell we had more to chat about. 

“Well, after all these years of believing that women shouldn’t be in the pulpit, I just can’t change how I feel about that. But your – ,” she hesitated again.

I smiled again and tried one more time, “Sermon?”

 “Ok, for lack of a better word, yes, your sermon was really one of the best sermons I have ever heard, and it challenged me in my faith – imagine that, after 80 years of walking with Jesus.”

I was very humbled and grateful for her generous words, but wanted to push further…  “Ah, thank you so much! It was my true honor to bring God’s Word today. I’m so thankful that the Spirit ministered to you. So you are not sure if women should preach, but you think that maybe, I’m an OK preacher though?” I pushed further.

“Oh yes! The best! But that’s just you honey, I don’t know about any other woman out there.”

“So, if I’m a good preacher, and I am a woman, isn’t it possible that there are other good preachers out there who are women too?”

James Hoskins at Christ & Pop Culture: "God's Not Dead" and the Angry Atheist Professor: That Was Not My Experience 

...I’m concerned that the movie God’s Not Dead perpetuates a false stereotype: that of the bully atheist philosophy professor who is out to destroy every Christian student’s faith. I’m sure there are some of those professors out there. But I doubt that they are a majority. Even if they were, though, I don’t think caricatures and stereotypes are helpful. When we uncritically accept a caricature of someone, we become less gracious people. Instead, we become more dismissive, presumptuous, and defensive. We also become more likely to misinterpret an honest challenge to our faith as an “attack,” and react in a way that is less than winsome.

MILITARY

Kim at She is Fierce: The Sound of a Silent Doorbell

All I could do was wait to see if my doorbell would ring. 

When morning came and it hadn't, I received a phone call confirming that Dh was OK.

What I felt then was almost harder than what I had experienced the entire sleepless night.

 It was the guilt that follows that moment of relief.

Because it wasn't my love, but it was most certainly someones.

It wasn't my heart broken, but the hearts of 4 other families.

MY WRITING

What Kept Me in Church Was Communion

When my eyes locked into the lay minister’s and he said, “Christ’s Body, broken for you,” I believed him.  When I dipped that scrap of bread, humble yet holy, into the communion wine, it sent shivers down my spine.  “Christ’s blood, spilled for you.”  This was the Gospel, simple and true.

It wasn’t a fancy program or a new method to “reach my generation.” It was following the example of Christ when He said, “Do this in remembrance of me.”  And I did: I remembered Him.

When the cynicism of Christianity scabbed over my heart, the simplicity of the Gospel ripped it open again.  In my remembrance of Him, the offenses I held against the modern Church faded away.  

What is the best thing you read (or wrote!) this month?

What Christopher Robin and Winnie-the-Pooh Have to do With Mommy Blogs

(image source)

I grew up with the stories of Winnie-the-Pooh and even acquired the nickname "Tigger" after my dad decided that I had altogether too much energy (he was right, by the way).  Recently, however, I've learned some new information about the Winnie-the-Pooh stories and A.A. Milne, the author, that has made me think of those stories in a different light.

You might know that the boy-hero of the books, Christopher Robin, was based on Milne's own son, also named Christopher Robin.  It sounds like a sweet tale.  But Christopher Robin Milne grew up in the shadow of those books and his father's success.  When he was older he came to resent it.  In one of his biographies, C.R. Milne wrote, 

"It seemed to me almost that my father had got where he was by climbing on my infant shoulders, that he had filched from me my good name and left me nothing but empty fame."

I think of this quote often when I come across "mommy blogs".  In the age of information (or better put: the age of over-information) it seems as though some children are living out their lives for their parents' blog readers.  Every birthday party and every first day of school is shared with hundreds (and sometimes thousands) of readers.  It makes me a bit sad, but also a bit scared.

Here's the truth:  as parents, we are the guardians of our children's online identities.  And it's a job that we should take seriously.

Parents are concerned about what their children are putting online.  And rightfully so as there has been an epidemic of sexting and cyber bullying in the past few years.  We don't want our children making a mistake that will haunt them for life.  And yet, I can't help but wonder if some people's blogs are going to be haunting their children for life.

I cannot predict what the internet will be like in twenty years, when my son is grown and trying to make a name for himself.  But in case it remains similar to its current state, I know I must proceed with caution.

When a school-mate or a future employer googles my son's name, do I want them to find my son's birth story, potty training pictures, and tales of the first day of kindergarten?  More than that: is it really fair to my son?  Is it fair to color people's idea of who he is with who I think he is?

For bloggers interested in gaining a platform, it's all about followers, page views, comments and shares.  When my husband and I made the decision to separate our family blog from my public blog, we did so because I couldn't reconcile using my son's stories and pictures in an attempt to get readers.  If I am ever to be successful in this blogging world, it must be because I've told my own story, and not co-opted my son's.

Of course, I'm not the only blogger concerned with protecting my child and I'm not even sure that my approach is best.  Some parents share openly about their children, but keep their last name closely guarded.  Some write about their children using nicknames.  Others share stories about their children, but not pictures.  And others, like me, try to balance it all, sharing about our children both in words and pictures, but keeping in limited to occasional references instead of details about their every day life.

Sarah Bessey, who wrote the book Jesus Feminist that I reviewed, shared a beautiful post on this topic.  I loved these words:

"I need my children to know that they aren’t blog fodder. I need them to know that they can grow up without an audience being privy to their sacred moments.

I need them to know that when they curl up around me in that old leather chair that their secrets are safe with me."

Can my son tell me secrets and know that they'll be safe with me?  Will I stop speaking for him in time that he can find his own voice in the world?  

Try as I might to know my son fully and be his best friend, I know that my perception of him will always be colored by the fact that I am his mother.  It is a special, unique, one-of-a-kind relationship.  But it also changes as he gets older.  And I know from watching others that this time is short so I must do my best to prepare for years of being his friend and peer instead of simply his caretaker.

That quote from Christopher Robin haunts me in a way.  Even if I have good intentions when blogging about my son, I try to see it through his eyes, twenty years in the future.  And, most importantly, I am trying to leave him more than empty fame.     



**The Christopher Robin Milne story is not an isolated event, by the way.  Frances Hodgson Burnett used her younger son, Vivian, as the model for Little Lord Fauntleroy and he was mercilessly teased about it through college.

the nap time hustle

A few months ago, my afternoon routine went something like this:  After the baby's lunch I would take him upstairs and put him down for a nap.  Then I would race downstairs, clean up his high chair, bib, and other lunch things.  Most of his toys had disappeared under furniture and his books were spread across the room, so I would locate them all and put them back on the correct shelves.  Then I'd vacuum our two main rooms (has anyone else noticed that toddlers are basically crumb-machines?).  If I needed to do any work for my volunteer job as key spouse for our squadron, I'd try to do it during this time.  It usually involved making a couple phone calls or sending some quick emails.  After that was done, I'd make my own lunch and try to multitask as I ate.  I usually read one of the books I was reviewing, wrote (or journaled), or caught up on a TV show.  When I was done eating, I'd finish whatever other household chores needed to be done.

But it seemed like most days I was just finishing lunch when Hadden started crying and my alone time was gone.  I never accomplished as much as I wanted to during those fleeting minutes.  At that time I was reading a parenting book and I kept thinking, "If you would just sleep a little longer, you would probably wake up to a better parent!"  Basically, from the moment he went down for a nap, I was on a race against his internal clock.  I call it the nap time hustle.

Since then I've gotten much better at getting things done while he's awake.  I always eat lunch when he does and I'm teaching him to help pick up his toys so I don't have to do that.  Today I was cleaning out the refrigerator while simultaneously making a meal plan and grocery list in my head.  Hadden was right there "helping" me.  Additionally, I've had less to do during nap time because my husband has been encouraging me to take time alone in the evening or on the weekends to write, read, and reflect. Because while I can juggle the household tasks and parenting, good writing really comes from solitude.  I used to feel like I was gasping for breath when Hadden went down for a nap.  Like I just needed a few moments alone to put things back in order and just think.  But since I've been getting that time alone in the evenings, I haven't felt quite so desperate for nap time.

So even though I'm balancing more as Hadden naps, I still fantasize about all the things I would LIKE to get done during nap time.  Here are the some of the usual items on my nap time hustle list.

- Clean the fridge
- Vacuum
- Watch TV
- Read!
- Eat lunch
- Respond to emails
- Write?
- Plan meals for the week
- Make a grocery list
- Do our online shopping for the month (we almost always buy gifts online and ship them directly to the recipient and I have a few other items that we have shipped from Amazon, like our diaper liners)
- Catch up on Key Spouse work
- Laundry (especially folding!)
- Read the news
- Clean up the toys
And (for those days when I'm sick) - Take a quick nap??

I understand that moms of multiple children do this all the time and make it look easy.  I'm not there yet!  :)

Since January, I've been learning exactly what I can do when Hadden is awake.  For instance, he he loves to be next to me while I do household chores and tries his hardest to help with whatever I'm doing.  But also realizing that some of these things are much better left until I can have a little alone time (e.g. writing and anything else that requires an open computer - Hadden thinks it's an invitation for him to type).

I know I'm not the only mom who feels this way!  What types of things do you have on your nap time (or bed time) hustle list?

parenting as a post-evangelical

My son is young.  18 months, in fact.  He's just moved out of the nursery and into the toddler class at church.  Each week when we pick him up, we now receive a coloring sheet that coordinates with the lesson from that morning.  Never mind that our son actually doesn't color much, his sheet always come back with a few scribbles.  (I have a suspicion that a kind teacher is the one responsible for those scribbles!  And to that I say, God bless our ever-patient teachers who works with a room full of busy toddlers!)

Perhaps it's silly, but those coloring sheets represent one of my struggles with parenting: what do I teach my son about God?

I was raised in a world of Awana, Adventures in Odyssey, Veggie Tales, sword drills, and elaborate VBS programs.  I learned isolated verses and isolated stories.  I was told that this (very confusing) book was actually God's love letter to me.  I sang about being "a C, a C-H, a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N" and about "O-B-E-D-I-E-N-C-E" being the very best way to show that I believed.  (side note: speaking for all poor spellers, why did churches require so much spelling in their songs??)

I didn't just learn these things: I taught them too.  I spent two years in a Christian ministry teaching little ones about things like instant obedience and the umbrella of protection.  And, at that time, I really believed that I was teaching them truth.

Before I go further, perhaps I should clarify: this isn't a criticism of my parents, Sunday school teachers, or VBS leaders**.  I know that they all had the best of intentions.  But as my faith has evolved, I have realized that I am no longer comfortable receiving the pat answers and equally uncomfortable giving them.

Here's the problem, those pat answers, those cliches and platitudes, they are the script I know.  I am fluent in Christian-ese, but even more so in childhood Christian-ese.  I know the songs (complete with hand motions), I know the verses about obedience, I know the overly simplistic applications from stories like Jonah and the not-whale.  These are comfortable and familiar for me.

It's one thing to change my own views and wrestle with my faith.  It's quite another to figure out what to teach my son.

Right now, the best way I know how to teach my son about God is to live out my faith honestly in front of him.

I want my son to love God.  And I want him to have a big, big picture of God and of what He is doing in the world.  I want to teach him about hermeneutics, that there is more than one way to interpret a verse and that that's okay.  I want him to know that we can disagree with denominations and yet still be united in Christ.  I want him to see that my husband and I have a growing, questioning faith, and that we disagree about some theology, but that it doesn't make the other one "less than".

I don't want to shy away from hard questions or give trite answers to things that I totally don't understand (which seems to be a lot of things).  I want to tell him that I don't understand many parts of the Bible and that it doesn't mean I am having a crisis of faith.  And I don't want to shut down discussions by concluding that "God's ways are higher than our ways" so we just shouldn't worry about it.

Lately, faith for me has been getting down in the figurative mud and wrestling.  It hasn't been pretty or clean or dignified.  But it has been honest and sincere.  I want so badly for my son to see this in my life.

I know this isn't comfortable to read.  I know that some people will read this and think I am a horrible, God-forsaking parent.  But I timidly would like to speak up for myself and say that I am not.  I'm studying and seeking and trying to do the very best to teach my son a full picture of God.  I'm just not sure I can tell him pat answers to things I don't even understand and teach him verses hijacked from their context.

This parenting thing is HARD.

This Christianity thing is HARD.

Put those two really-hard-things together?

Whew!  I think, in the most sincere sense, I could use some prayers.




**It IS a criticism of youth groups because to this day I get the heebie-jeebies thinking about church youth groups.  To anyone stuck in a youth group now, I have one message: IT GETS BETTER.

Registry Tips (for parents who plan on having multiple children)

When my husband and I got married, we knew we wanted children.  Plural.  

So when I was pregnant with our son, Hadden, we thought careful about what we put on our baby registry, knowing that we wanted things to last for at least one more child.  Today I wanted to share our suggestions of how to plan for multiple children.

**Side note before anyone reads too much into this post.  It is not an announcement.  We are NOT expecting a baby.  :)

1.  Cloth Diapers

I promise you: it's not as hard as it seems!  I've written a little about cloth diapering here and here.  I think the real key is finding a system that works for you - the right diapers, the right pail, the right detergent, etc.  If you're considering cloth diapering, I could recommend a few links to check out.

Overall, it's a great way to save money and help the environment.  It was definitely an investment in the beginning, but now that we have the diapers ready for the next child!  Since we live in base housing, we don't pay for water so the only cost will be more diaper liners and detergent.  

2.  Avoid Pink and Blue

When you're buying big items like a carseat, pack n play or bedding, buy it in a neutral color/pattern.  I have a not-so-secret annoyance with PINK! and BLUE! everything, so I'm aware that this is a soapbox area.  But from a practicality standpoint, it makes sense to purchase neutral too.  This also doubles your chances of reselling the items when you're done with them.

3.  Buy High Quality, Gender Neutral Clothing

If you're like us, there's no way you're forking out $40 for a sweater that your baby will puke all over.  But on the other hand, if you purchase a lot of low-cost clothing items, you might notice that they don't last as long.  We buy almost all of our son's clothing at consignment stores.  My favorite finds so far have been a name brand red pea coat and a Gap baby pullover!  We paid less than $5 for items that originally cost over $30 and you can't even tell that they're used.

We also prefer to buy clothing items that are not highly gendered.  Again, part of this is my philosophy and part of it is practicality.  If we have a daughter next, I am not expecting that she will wear ALL of her brother's clothes, but it will be nice to reuse some of his things.

4.  Invest In Nice Toy Sets

I might write a whole post about this sometime, but (so far) we have had a strict "no characters" rule for Hadden.  No toys or clothes or cups or shoes or anything that is "branded".  No Elmo, no Dora, no "Georgie" (Curious George) unless it is in a book.  My (wonderful and wise) sister explained it to her daughter like this on a shoe-shopping exhibition a few years back, "You don't want those shoes because they are comfortable or because they will serve you well.  The only reason you want those shoes is because they have Dora on them."

Additionally, I came across this interesting blog the other day called "Free Our Kids".  The blogger set out on a yearlong experiment to not spend any money on her son.  Here's what she said as they've neared the end of the experiment:

"In the course of this year, J’s had a few shiny and new gifts from people who weren’t bound by my crazy no-spend ethos. And watching those things get battered and bashed over the course of the year, I’ve noticed a pattern. The toys that are branded with popular cartoon characters – the Fireman Sam fire station he got for his birthday, for instance, from a relative – have fallen apart and needed fiddly resticking over and over again. Plus, he can only play the set stories with them: there’s a fire, someone gets stuck on Pontypandy Mountain yadda yadda yadda.

But the brio train set is built to survive generations of train crashes and hurlings off the top bunk (I know, because we still have some of the bits that Tom and his siblings tried determinedly to destroy in the seventies). The Sylvanian Family camper van we borrowed from J’s older cousin earlier in the year could be sent on any number of different adventures. They’re better quality and better for the imagination. Better for the environment, better for my head space – frankly – because they’re better looking and less cluttering for our house-space. So next year, there may be a little spending, but there won’t be any more plastic trash. Fewer, well chosen, unbranded, good quality toys. Toys that can be shared by a boy and his little sister because they’re neither ‘sugar and spice and all things pinkified’ or ‘bright blue snips, snails and puppy dog tails’"

I feel the same way.  I spent hours playing with a Brio train set as a child and can't wait for Hadden to start collecting his own.  My husband, on the other hand, loved Legos.  My siblings (and now my niece) have spent hours playing with Playmobile.  These are the types of toys I want to invest in.

This is not to say that we will never have cheap toys in the house.  But if you DO want to have some of those plastic, characterized toys, I suggest getting them second-hand. We got my son this tiny piano from a local consignment store and paid $3.50.  If he tires of it, we can sell it back to the same shop!  Check Craig's List and garage sales for used toys too!

5.  Double Stroller

Or more specifically, buy a stroller that converts into to a double.  We knew that the one baby item we wanted to splurge on was our stroller.  We LOVE our stroller and especially love that when we purchased it, Amazon was running a special promotion so we got the second seat for free!  If you're planning on spacing out your children, this might not be important to you.  But if you'd like to have a couple children close together, you'll definitely want a double stroller, so why not have one from the beginning?  We've been able to use our second seat a few times with friends, but it will be fun when we actually NEED both seats.  

Also, the graphic designer for this post was Kaylee Mitchell, who is a fellow military spouse!  If you're looking for a graphic designer, check out her FB page! :)  

**The items pictured above can all be found on Amazon.  Here are affiliate links to the cloth diaper, pack 'n play, sweater, train set, and stroller.

videos that might just make you cry (consider this a warning)

Words.  I feel like I have written so many lately and yet few of them have made it to this blog!  I've been working on all sorts of things which meant my blog has been a tad neglected this week.

Anyway, in the past week I've seen two different videos on parenting that have brought tears to my eyes that I wanted to share.  Could I just be a super sappy mother?  Maybe.  Probably.  But maybe you'll end up liking them as much as I did.

Thanks to my friends Pita and Stephanie for passing these along!

when being a good mother means making a fool of myself in public

I thought that marrying a nerd would ensure that I didn't have huge technology fails.

Well, I was wrong.

I know I was wrong because on Friday evening we found ourselves driving 40 minutes away with my jacked-up phone in tow.  H had skipped his second nap that day, but finally fell asleep when we were pulling into the shopping center.  And then he woke up as soon as we parked the car.  Of course.

We made our way into the store only to learn that a new device had been released that very day so they were extremely limited on technicians.  Of course.  And I had completely forgotten that you can book appointments online instead of standing in line.  Of course.  See a trend here?

Thankfully my gracious husband decided to make the best of it.  He should, after all, considering his nerd skills had failed me!  We found a Mexican restaurant next door and soon settled in with a quesadilla, a burrito and a plain tortilla for Baby.  We only had an hour to wait until our scheduled appointment to fix my phone.  Our bellies full and our hearts happy, we watched as a storm swelled outside and enjoyed being warm and dry on the wet, cold, windy night.  Hadden had fun standing in our booth and screeching at other customers.  He was so perfectly a toddler that night.  Busy, yet captivated by the simplest things, like the nearby ice machine that rumbled as customers filled their cups.

Our hour was over and we made our way back to the store.  10 minutes past our appointment time in a busy shop was not boding well with our usually-happy son.  There were so many shiny things and he wanted to touch them all!  My husband and I did a quick back-and-forth about what we should do and ended up agreeing that I should take him outside since there was no telling how long it would be.

Pushing open the huge, heavy glass door, I saw that the rain had stopped, leaving puddles to dodge and a damp, cool breeze.  The shopping area had wide sidewalks and piped in music.  We had adjusted Hadden's stroller seat so that he was facing me as I pushed - I love it that way.  Love seeing his little eyes dart from one thing to the next and being able to talk to him.

Soon, however, Hadden was getting fussy.  It had been a long day, after all, and he was ready to be done in his stroller.

"Shwoooooop"

I suddenly swerved the stroller to the left, making an airplane noise to accompany it.  Then I dodged back to the right again.

His eyes lit up and a smile quickly followed.  I knew that I had his attention and that we'd gone from simply wasting time to having fun.

"Errrrgh."

The stroller came to a sudden halt and then jerked back to a start a moment later.  Hadden laughed uproariously.

All around the shopping area I was swerving and shifting and stopping.  And my son could not stop giggling.  He knew I was being silly and he was loving it.  I tried a few times, to stop in a store and look around, but he soon made it be known that he was tired of shopping.  There are times when he needs to learn to be content with what we are doing.  But I knew this was different.  This was a time when we'd already asked a lot of him and he had been patient for over an hour already.

The shopping center wasn't very busy, so we weren't in other people's way.  But I did get self-conscious a few times as people walked by us.  Man, I'd give anything to be browsing the racks at The Loft right now, but instead I'm doing a ridiculous dance routine with a hefty stroller and a chortling one-year-old.

I think and then over-think my parenting.  I spent a long while thinking through the pros and cons of whether or not my child should own things with characters on them.  I have an arsenal of books, articles and blog posts stored up that deal with protecting your child from abuse and teaching them basic consent about their bodies.  I make sure he is surrounded by books and nature and loving people and sturdy, intentional, well-made toys.  I have Strong Feelings about almost everything in regards to parenting.

All of that boils down to: I really, really, really want to be a good mom.

But pushing my son around that shopping center and hearing his belly laughs as I jerked his stroller back and forth made me think.  I still think of those things are important.  I still want to study and learn and practice to be a better parent.

But sometimes being a good mother is letting go of my self-image.  It is climbing the playground and racing down the slide.  It is getting on all fours and growling like mad as my giggling son hides behind the couch.  And it is making a fool of myself at a shopping outlet to bring a smile to his sweet face.

My son will be grown up one day and I'm sure he'll have a list a mile long of what I did wrong.  Maybe he'll see and appreciate my intentional actions and recognize that I was doing the best I could for him.  Even if he appreciates it, I don't think it will be a memory.

Sometimes being a good mom means letting go of all of my good intentions and ideas to simply be.  To be present.  To be silly.  To be myself.  To let my son see that, in addition to wanting to do well at raising him, I enjoy him!

While all the intentional parts of parenting are important, I'm thinking that the best gift we can give our child is our delight in their personhood.

Hadden was laughing in joy last night, but he wasn't the only one.  I was giggling along with him.  We made a memory that night, which I won't soon forget.

trophy or teacher?

I'll be posting a review of this book in a few days, but wanted to share this quote tonight.

my favorite

My favorite is when he wakes up, rosy cheeked and clad in footy pajamas.

My favorite is when he carries his "lovey" (blanket) around in his mouth.

My favorite is when I say "Let's go upstairs!" and his sweet little legs race over as fast as they can.

My favorite is sharing a bowl of oatmeal with him each morning.

My favorite is how he blows raspberries on my legs and then giggles with delight.

My favorite is when he brings books over for me to read aloud.

My favorite is when his eyes light up when his papa walks through the door.

My favorite is strawberries smashed all over his highchair (and his clothes).

My favorite is when he fetches the ball we threw for him.

My favorite is giving him kisses and hugs before his nap time and saying "I'll be back soon."

My favorite is when he claps along with TV shows.

My favorite is his amusement at brushing teeth.

My favorite is his little hand clutching our clothes.

My favorite is every night when I hold him in front of the mirror after his bath, all wrapped in his hooded towel, and say "Who is that CUTE boy?!" and he smiles at my silliness.

Oh sweet boy, you are my very favorite every moment of every day!

(and your dad isn't half bad either ;)

Hadden's First Birthday

My son turned one recently - talk about a crazy mix of emotions!  The night before his birthday I sat in bed remembering.  He was born late at night so by the time everyone had left our room, we were exhausted.  My husband fell right asleep. The lights were dimmed and one last nurse was silently finishing putting things in order.  I was so, so tired.  Really, the word 'exhausted' doesn't begin to describe how I felt.  But I say there holding this tiny, mewing creature.  I wanted nothing more than to go to sleep, but at the same time, I couldn't sleep.  The room was so quiet and it was just me and him.  I was always cherish the memory of those first moments.

.

{about an hour old at this point}

{taken the morning of his birthday after a riding in the stroller on his daddy's run}

It is incredible how a year changes thing.  I had no idea what a special little person I was holding at that time, but discovering his personality this year has been so much fun.  

When we talked about his birthday, we knew two things.  First, that we wanted to celebrate his amazing life with something special.  And secondly, that we didn't want to do a big party with gifts.  A couple years ago I happened upon this post by another blogger who celebrated her 29th birthday doing 29 acts of kindness to strangers.  I've never read this blog except for this one post (and it took me a bit of work to find it again today), but I remembered what a cool idea it was to skip gifts and instead celebrate a birthday with good deeds.  I've since discovered this website that encourages people to use their birthdays to bless others - awesome!

We decided to use this idea for Hadden's birthday, calling it One for One (one act of kindness for one year of life).  We made birthday announcements and sent them out to friends and family.  We said no to gifts and instead we asked them to send back the postcard (see below) and write about a random act of kindness they did in Hadden's honor.

This, we felt, was a way to celebrate his life and set a precedence for what is truly important in life.  I kept thinking of people getting a surprise blessing because of my son's life.  That's SO much better than toys!

I love that we got to involve so many people, both friends and family.  As the postcards started to be returned, it was fun to read what different people did in Hadden's honor.  Coffee bought for a co-worker, handwritten letters to cheer up friends, meals purchased or prepared for friends, money donated to help build a house in Mexico - it was touching to see how people chose to honor our son.

Since we had a little party for him, I hung up the postcards as decorations.  This was how many we had received on his actual birthday, but since then, the line has been completely filled!  And we still have a few on their way!  We're going to put all the postcards in a little book so that Hadden can read about it when he's older.

In case you're wondering about the party, we kept it very simple - a few friends came over for the evening and (at their request) I made homemade gyros.  

Instead of cake, we made a mini fruit pizzas with oversized sugar cookies, cream cheese/marshmallow fluff "icing", strawberries, blueberries and kiwi.

The babies played and the adults talked, so everyone was happy.  We made balloon streamers a few days before which added a festive touch.  For favors, I gave out balloons filled with helium and little "wedding" bubbles.

This year has been such an adventure with Hadden and I hope that our birthday celebration did justice to his special little life.  I hope that we'll find ways to incorporate "birthday acts of kindness" in the coming years as well.  

Now begins Year Two!

the FIVE gift rule

In my quest to be an intentional parent, I came across the four gift rule on Pinterest:

I love it!  Such a good way to fight the materialism we often see in America and give intentional gifts to our children.  

However, I had one addition to this list.  Each year for Christmas (and perhaps for his birthday too), we want to give Hadden a small amount of money that he gets to donate to an important cause of his choice.  This way we're teaching him to give to others even as he is receiving gifts.  Since we don't have a lot of money, we won't be giving him very much to donate.  But I think it's good for him to learn to give what little he has and to pick an organization that means something to him.

At this point he's still a baby so he won't be choosing for a couple years.  But I've got a few ideas of where we could donate money in his honor, like our local zoo where we love going as a family.  Or a local food pantry because as I look at my baby boy, I can't imagine the agony a mother must feel when she can't afford food for her children and has to watch them go hungry.

Is this all a bit idealist of me?  Will my son someday complain because his friends get more gifts than he does?  Probably.  :)  But my husband and I are doing what we think is very best for our son and I hope that one day he sees that.

parental overshare in the information age

So yesterday I was browsing Pinterest and came across a blog post about elimination communication (EC).  If you're not familiar with EC, it's basically potty training from a very young age (i.e. 3 months old).  The mother discussed how she used this method with her children and how much success she had.  She also shared pictures.  In fact, the "pinned" image was a picture of her naked baby daughter held over a bucket with poo in it.  I'm sure that the mother meant no ill harm to her daughter.  But I can't help but cringe when I see that kind of over-sharing.

I've written before about why my husband and I decided to make a private blog to document our son's life.  And perhaps people are sick of reading about those reasons.  But I am convinced that this is an important topic that parents need to take more seriously.

Recently I read two other articles on this topic.  The first was from The Atlantic entitled "The Ethical Implications of Parents Writing About Their Children".  Here's an excerpt:

"While serious revelations pose a greater threat to a child's reputation, humiliating stories may be more likely to destroy a parent-child relationship. A child might sympathize with writing about his illness, but not about that time when he was three and wet the bed. And a story of everyday parenting challenges could still reflect poorly on a child down the line. Between two equivalent candidates, who would hire the one who once begged for $600 jeans?"

And the second (which is mentioned in the first article) is "Thanks, Mom, for Not Telling the World I Pulled a Knife on You" from the NYT parenting blog "Motherlode".

"In this Internet age, children deserve to struggle into adulthood with some degree of privacy. If my mother had publicized that moment when I cut my arm, it could have devastated my future in incalculable ways. My college applications or job prospects might have been affected. New friends, classmates or colleagues could have judged me based on momentary mistakes that happened years earlier."

As always, this is an issue of balance.  And perhaps it can look different for different families.  We know people who make sure that there are NO pictures of their children on the internet.  Our approach is a little more liberal.  We post most pictures privately (preferably with watermarks) and try to limit the pictures that other people post of him.  When I write, I try to keep stories about Hadden to a minimum, respecting the fact that he is more than simply my son - he is an individual, deserving of my respect and honor.  It's not easy and sometimes it feels like we're being overly cautious about nothing.  Articles like these encourage me that I am doing the right thing.  And I hope that some day my son will appreciate and recognize the respect we have tried to give him.

repost: real moments of new motherhood

** Originally posted on September 22, 2012

I awake with a pounding head, blurry vision and an upset stomach.  It's the third time this week.  Normally I would stay in bed, pull the covers over my head and try my best to sleep through the pain until the migraine relented and I was able to get back to life.

But today that's not an option.  Seven weeks ago I became responsible for another which means I can't just pull the covers over my head.  Instead I crawl out of bed and soothe the crying babe.

How can I care for this tiny human when I'm the one who needs to be taken care of?  He's crying for his mother, but right now I'm crying for mine.

I am hit with a wave of nausea.  I know it would be a tiny bit better if I could just lay down, but I can't.  Please, Lord, not today.  I just need to be well enough to care for my baby.  Looking across the room, I eye the bucket sitting there.  Can I just make it until the end of this feeding?  ...nope.  I hear the baby howling from the crib where I hastily laid him as I sit hunch over the bucket.

Everyone talks about how hard it is to have a newborn, but not many talk about doing it with a chronic illness; when you are in a battle with your body to simply get out of bed in the morning.  So far I've been managing through my daily pain, but a migraine is like a giant wave that knocks you to the ground no matter how firmly you have your feet planted.

An arsenal of baby supplies are spread over my comforter.  My plan is to only leave the bed to change diapers.  Carrying a baby around with a migraine is simply not a good idea.  To my left is a Boppy, a blanket, a soother and a burp cloth.  To my right is his pack n play.  I can do this.  I have to do this.

But the questions linger in my mind.  How will I ever be a mother when I'm this sick?  How do you explain to a baby that mama just can't get out of bed that morning and that she just really, really needs you to stop screaming in her ear?

I hear the hum of the garage door and whisper in my little man's little ear, "Papa is home.  It's gonna be okay."  On his lunch break, my dear husband has brought me food and drink.  We both know from experience that if the migraine gets too bad we'll end up spending the evening in the emergency room and we'll try everything we can think of to stop it.

The shades are drawn.  An ice pack is on my head.  The medicine has been taken.  I'm sipping liquids as much as my upset stomach will allow.  A fan is blowing on my head.  The lunch break is over and he must return to base.  Together we pray that I will receive the strength to continue. 

Baby finally falls asleep on my chest.  I lay him in his bed hoping to close my eyes against the sun which feels like lasar beams penetrating my skull.  Thirty seconds later he is awake and screaming.  I take him in my arms again speaking softly to calm him for his sake as well as for mine.  Sweet baby, mama is doing her very best today.  I'm trying so hard to give you everything you need.  Please, please just sleep for me today.  Please just stop crying.  I'll make it up to you another day. 

As I breathe in air to sustain my body, I breathe in grace to sustain my soul.  I tell myself the truths that I am prone to forget.

This is not the day to compete for the New-Mother-of-the-Year award.  Today is not a measure of how much I love my baby.  I will not let this day be indicative of the next twenty years nor let it scare me into fearing this heavenly appointment.

Today is not easy.  Today is not enjoyable.  But I know that God has given me enough grace to make it through today.  The migraine, the crying babe, the pain.  All of it is covered by the grace I've been given.  Tomorrow holds the promise of "new mercies".  Which is good.  I've exhausted all that I've been given for today.

And although my son slumbers through my words, I whisper in his ear:  "We're gonna get through, Haddy.  We've got grace.  And life is all about grace."

T'was grace that brought me safe thus far and grace will lead me home.