The Topic You MUST Address With Your Children

As a newborn my son slept in a bare crib to reduce the risk of SIDS.  

When he was crawling we gated the stairs so he wouldn't fall.  

Later, as he started to pull himself up on furniture, we bolted our tall bookshelves to the wall, just in case.  

Now that he is a toddler and has learned more about kinesthetics, we worry less about maneuvering the stairs.  Instead we focus on keeping chemicals and medicine out of his reach and holding our hands while crossing the street.

Like all parents, I would do anything to protect my son.  We don't want to raise him in a glass box, but we do want to set boundaries and take precautions for his safety.

We diligently baby-proofed the house, not just out of necessity, but out of love.

If we truly love our children, though, I think we'll do more than baby-proof.

If we truly love our children, I think we absolutely must open our eyes to the reality of sexual abuse in our world and address it with our children at a young age.

Statistics show that 1 out of every 4 girls and 1 out of every 6 boys were will sexually abused by the time they are 18.

Please don't think that your family will be the exception.  Abuse shows no favoritism - it touches all races, religions, and socio-economic statuses.  And if it doesn't effect your family, it most definitely will effect some of your child's friends and classmates.  Be prepared to help.

This is not a one-time conversation and certainly not a subject to put off until a child reaches a certain age.  Since our son was a baby we've been incorporating specific parenting techniques geared towards protecting him from sexual abuse and educating him properly.

1.  Use Anatomically Correct Names for Body Parts

Begin this practice during diaper changes and baths when your child is a newborn and it will become natural.  Use the name of body parts matter-of-factly just as you would teach them matter-of-factly about their elbow or nose.  Demonstrate that there is no shame associated with these parts of the body.

2.  Allow Them to Say "No"

I know a lot of parents who teach "instant obedience".  And I know that toddler can be particularly frustrating when they say "no" to everything.  But saying "no" is a empowering, important lesson for our children to learn. 

They need to know that their body is their own and that they are in control of it.  They always have the right to say "no," even if it is just a hug from mom or dad.  One way to teach this is to tell you child to say, "I'd like some personal space please." 

We want our son to know that certain parts of the body are always off-limits to other people.  We say: "The only people who can touch there are mommy, daddy, and the doctor, and ONLY if they need to for a diaper change or for your health."

3.  Teach Alternate Greetings

Since we need to teach children that they are in control of their bodies, we have to give them freedom in this area.  One way is by teaching them alternate greetings for people.  Someone I know who had been abused once said to me, "I always got in trouble for not wanting to hug that relative, but I just wish someone had asked WHY I didn't want to hug them." 

Instead of requiring your children to hug people (especially relatives who may be pushy about it or get their feelings hurt), speak up for them and say, "Would you like to give Uncle So-and-So a hug, a high-five, or a handshake?"

4.  Teach (and Model) Informed Consent 

Just as my son has the right to say "no", he also must respect when someone else says "no" even if it seems trivial.

People were outraged when a 6 year-old boy was suspended for kissing a girl in his class.  People defended it as being "cute" and "innocent".  I'm not sure if suspension was the correct way to deal with this situation.  But I know that I want my son to recognize that someone else's body is their own and that is not cute or funny or "being a boy" to force yourself upon another person in any way.

5.  Talk About Tricky People

Most abusers are people you know, not strangers.  So while I'll caution my son about "stranger danger," we'll be talk more often about "tricky people".  Our son is never alone with anyone unless both my husband and I trust them 100%.  But even still,  we feel the need to talk plainly about tricky people. 

We'll say it like this: "Tricky people can be anyone: a teacher, a friend, a relative, a babysitter.  They are tricky because you will like them and want to trust them, but you still don't feel right about it.  A tricky person wants you to keep a secret from your parents, which is NEVER okay, but especially not if the secret makes you feel bad inside."

Also prepare your children that a tricky person might say that they will hurt someone if your child tells the secret or that no one will believe them.  Assure your children far in advance that you will absolutely believe them and that you will handle it and that they don't need to be ashamed.

   
6.  Have Books or Movies

Keep books and/or movies on hand that teach about body parts and/or about abuse.  Books are a great way to open a conversation with a child.  These resources can give your child the words they need to discuss abuse and give them confidence that everything will be okay.

7.  Research Your Childcare Options

Since I'm home with our son at this point, we only have had to worry about childcare at churches.  He is not sent into any church nurseries unless we've researched their childcare policies (and he usually doesn't go in the first few weeks).  Thankfully most churches these days have realized the importance of protecting against sexual abuse and have strict policies in place.  

But GRACE (Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment) says that 93% of all sexual offenders describe themselves as "religious."  Terrifying.   Of the people I know who have been abused, it has almost always happened in Christian families, in churches, in Christian schools, and in Christian ministries.

8.  Give Them a Script to Follow

I said earlier that books or movies might help give your child the words to say.  But you can help too.  Make this a regular conversation in your home - if you are awkward and embarrassed about the subject, they will be too.  And they won't come to you when something is wrong. 

Tell them that it's always okay to talk with you, even if someone just makes them feel uncomfortable.

It might take a lot for your child to talk to you about abuse, even if it is happening to a friend, so make it easier on them by telling them that they can come talk to you about it at anytime, or can even write you a letter about it if that's easier.

Looking for more resources?  Check out these links! 

Articles:

Child Sex Abuse is a Taboo Topic For Some Parents (CNN)

Calling Out the Evangelical Culture of Sexual Abuse (in a mirror dimly)

The Super Ten, Play-It-Safe Rules for Kids and Grownups (Safely Ever After)

8 Ways to Protect Your Child From Sexual Abuse (Raising Godly Children)

Tricky People Are the New Strangers (Checklist Mommy)

10 Way to Talk to Your Kids About Sexual Abuse (Everyday Feminism)

The Healthy Sex Talk: Teaching Consent To Kids Ages 1-21 (The Good Men Project)

Talking With Kids About Sexual Abuse (Musing Momma)

Fold Your Hands {On Teaching Consent to Pre-Schoolers} (A Deeper Story)


Books:

My Body Belongs to Me: A Book About Body Safety

Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept

Amazing You!  Getting Smart About Your Private Parts

I Said No: A Kid-to-Kid Guide to Keeping Your Private Parts Private

30 by 30

I try to be intentional with my life.  I want to make it count and make the most of it.  One way I've been intentional lately is by setting goals, specifically, 30 goals to reach before I turn 30 years old!

I haven't compiled all 30 goals yet, but I thought I would share a few of the ones I have chosen so far.  Here there are:

1.  Have five articles published

     - Honesty in a Culture of Church Taboos (March 2014)

2.  Write 10 entries in my journal for my son

     - entry completed Feb 2014

     - entry completed March 2014

3.  Complete a 5K with my husband and my son

4.  Spend time alone at a monastery or retreat center

5.  Pay for a stranger's meal

6.  Complete another Whole30

     - We're starting one next week!  If we finish it, this goal will be completed in May 2014

7.  Take a writing class

8.  Read 50 books

     - I Am Hutterite (March 2014)

     - Cold Tangerines (April 2014)

9.  Write five guest posts for other bloggers

10. Learn to make my friend's amazing tostadas

11. Travel overseas as a family

12. Travel to two new states 

I have a few years to complete all these goals (and to finalize the rest of the list)!  You can see that I have a variety of goals - some health related, others personal, and others focused on writing.  I've also tried to quantify them as much as possible (e.g. 'Read 50 books' instead of 'Read more often').  

Would you ever consider doing 30 by 30?  Do you even make goals?  I'd love to hear which ones you've set (and ones you have reached!).

when being a good mother means making a fool of myself in public

I thought that marrying a nerd would ensure that I didn't have huge technology fails.

Well, I was wrong.

I know I was wrong because on Friday evening we found ourselves driving 40 minutes away with my jacked-up phone in tow.  H had skipped his second nap that day, but finally fell asleep when we were pulling into the shopping center.  And then he woke up as soon as we parked the car.  Of course.

We made our way into the store only to learn that a new device had been released that very day so they were extremely limited on technicians.  Of course.  And I had completely forgotten that you can book appointments online instead of standing in line.  Of course.  See a trend here?

Thankfully my gracious husband decided to make the best of it.  He should, after all, considering his nerd skills had failed me!  We found a Mexican restaurant next door and soon settled in with a quesadilla, a burrito and a plain tortilla for Baby.  We only had an hour to wait until our scheduled appointment to fix my phone.  Our bellies full and our hearts happy, we watched as a storm swelled outside and enjoyed being warm and dry on the wet, cold, windy night.  Hadden had fun standing in our booth and screeching at other customers.  He was so perfectly a toddler that night.  Busy, yet captivated by the simplest things, like the nearby ice machine that rumbled as customers filled their cups.

Our hour was over and we made our way back to the store.  10 minutes past our appointment time in a busy shop was not boding well with our usually-happy son.  There were so many shiny things and he wanted to touch them all!  My husband and I did a quick back-and-forth about what we should do and ended up agreeing that I should take him outside since there was no telling how long it would be.

Pushing open the huge, heavy glass door, I saw that the rain had stopped, leaving puddles to dodge and a damp, cool breeze.  The shopping area had wide sidewalks and piped in music.  We had adjusted Hadden's stroller seat so that he was facing me as I pushed - I love it that way.  Love seeing his little eyes dart from one thing to the next and being able to talk to him.

Soon, however, Hadden was getting fussy.  It had been a long day, after all, and he was ready to be done in his stroller.

"Shwoooooop"

I suddenly swerved the stroller to the left, making an airplane noise to accompany it.  Then I dodged back to the right again.

His eyes lit up and a smile quickly followed.  I knew that I had his attention and that we'd gone from simply wasting time to having fun.

"Errrrgh."

The stroller came to a sudden halt and then jerked back to a start a moment later.  Hadden laughed uproariously.

All around the shopping area I was swerving and shifting and stopping.  And my son could not stop giggling.  He knew I was being silly and he was loving it.  I tried a few times, to stop in a store and look around, but he soon made it be known that he was tired of shopping.  There are times when he needs to learn to be content with what we are doing.  But I knew this was different.  This was a time when we'd already asked a lot of him and he had been patient for over an hour already.

The shopping center wasn't very busy, so we weren't in other people's way.  But I did get self-conscious a few times as people walked by us.  Man, I'd give anything to be browsing the racks at The Loft right now, but instead I'm doing a ridiculous dance routine with a hefty stroller and a chortling one-year-old.

I think and then over-think my parenting.  I spent a long while thinking through the pros and cons of whether or not my child should own things with characters on them.  I have an arsenal of books, articles and blog posts stored up that deal with protecting your child from abuse and teaching them basic consent about their bodies.  I make sure he is surrounded by books and nature and loving people and sturdy, intentional, well-made toys.  I have Strong Feelings about almost everything in regards to parenting.

All of that boils down to: I really, really, really want to be a good mom.

But pushing my son around that shopping center and hearing his belly laughs as I jerked his stroller back and forth made me think.  I still think of those things are important.  I still want to study and learn and practice to be a better parent.

But sometimes being a good mother is letting go of my self-image.  It is climbing the playground and racing down the slide.  It is getting on all fours and growling like mad as my giggling son hides behind the couch.  And it is making a fool of myself at a shopping outlet to bring a smile to his sweet face.

My son will be grown up one day and I'm sure he'll have a list a mile long of what I did wrong.  Maybe he'll see and appreciate my intentional actions and recognize that I was doing the best I could for him.  Even if he appreciates it, I don't think it will be a memory.

Sometimes being a good mom means letting go of all of my good intentions and ideas to simply be.  To be present.  To be silly.  To be myself.  To let my son see that, in addition to wanting to do well at raising him, I enjoy him!

While all the intentional parts of parenting are important, I'm thinking that the best gift we can give our child is our delight in their personhood.

Hadden was laughing in joy last night, but he wasn't the only one.  I was giggling along with him.  We made a memory that night, which I won't soon forget.

highlight/lowlight

My junior and senior years in college, I was an RA which meant I was in charge of a hall of about 24 girls.  On Thursday nights, all six RAs for our building would meet in our RD's apartment - I have so many memories from that time!  It changed a bit week to week depending on what we had to discuss, but one part that we almost always made time for was our highlights/lowlights (sometimes we called them our roses and our thorns).

The first time I heard someone say highlights/lowlights I though they were talking about getting their hair highlighted!  :)  But it's actually a way to share the BEST and WORST part of your week (or day, depending on how often you share it).

Highlights/Lowlights are something we plan on using in our family.  Most days I ask Caleb about his day this way.  And when Hadden is bigger (i.e. talking!), we want to do the same.  My goal is to live intentionally and this is one way to do that.

Here's why I like this method:

1) It fosters communication. 
   If you ask, "How was your day?", it's easy for the person to respond with a one word answer.  These are conversation starters.

2) It makes time for reflection
  In college, there were times when I rushed into the RA meeting at the last minute and hadn't had time to process the day yet.  But when it was my turn to share my highlight/lowlight, I had to take a moment to think.  Was my lowlight cramming for a test at the last minute?  Hm. Maybe next time I should start studying sooner!

3)  It leads to intentional conversation
   When Caleb tells me his "lowlight", it correlates with what is stressful or difficult in his life.  When I know his stressors, I can better understand him and help to reduce those if possible.  Conversely, if his "highlight" is going for a run, I can make a note that the next time he is stressed, perhaps I should make sure he gets time to go out and run.
  At our RA meetings, it was a way to really understand the other girls and to hear what was going on in their lives beyond simply "hey, how are you?".  It was a way to both rejoice and mourn with each other as sisters in Christ.

This is one of those easy-peasy things to incorporate into your life, whether it be with your spouse, children, friends, small group or whatever.  But I hope that it will foster good conversations if you choose to give it a try!
 

the FIVE gift rule

In my quest to be an intentional parent, I came across the four gift rule on Pinterest:

I love it!  Such a good way to fight the materialism we often see in America and give intentional gifts to our children.  

However, I had one addition to this list.  Each year for Christmas (and perhaps for his birthday too), we want to give Hadden a small amount of money that he gets to donate to an important cause of his choice.  This way we're teaching him to give to others even as he is receiving gifts.  Since we don't have a lot of money, we won't be giving him very much to donate.  But I think it's good for him to learn to give what little he has and to pick an organization that means something to him.

At this point he's still a baby so he won't be choosing for a couple years.  But I've got a few ideas of where we could donate money in his honor, like our local zoo where we love going as a family.  Or a local food pantry because as I look at my baby boy, I can't imagine the agony a mother must feel when she can't afford food for her children and has to watch them go hungry.

Is this all a bit idealist of me?  Will my son someday complain because his friends get more gifts than he does?  Probably.  :)  But my husband and I are doing what we think is very best for our son and I hope that one day he sees that.

summer produce challenge

We're trying a fun little experiment in our house.  It started as the idea to eat vegan for lunches.  But it has slowly evolved when I realized that quite a few of my recipes for yummy vegetables included parmesan cheese and I really didn't want to skip that!  So then we were calling them vegetarian lunches.  But it doesn't really do it justice, because it's more than just not eating meat.

Last night I told my husband that it's "lunches where the vegetables shine" and I'm pretty sure he rolled his eyes and requested that we please just stick with calling them vegetarian.  :)  We'll be eating primarily vegetables and fruits for week day lunches for the summer.

We're starting tomorrow!

I've been busy pinning interesting vegetable recipes, choosing the ones we'll try this week, compiling the list of ingredients and shopping for them.  The picture above is our shopping cart after we left the produce section! (side note: I'm a little disgusted by how many plastic bags we used.  I need a new system)

Here are some of our reasons for doing this experiment:

• make healthier eating choices and hopefully lose weight
• eat more intentionally (perhaps focus on what is in season and buy more local produce?)
• find new recipes to avoid getting stuck in a cooking rut
• teach our bodies to be satisfied with a meal of vegetables 
• to say we did it!  we both thought it sounded like a fun experiment for the summer!

Here's the recipe I'm making for lunch tomorrow: Cucumber Avocado Caprese Salad