Guest Post: My Story of Resilience

For the past two days I've been sharing about the Offutt Spouse Resilience program here at our base.  The first day I wrote about the bathtub of emotions and the second day I shared how resilience was like pulling the plug on that bathtub.  

Today I have one last post about resilience by Aimee Salter, who is one of the Spouse Resilience Training Assistants (RTA) at Offutt AFB.  

Aimee has been affiliated with the Air Force for 15 years, both as an active duty member and as a spouse.  She currently serves as the Key Spouse for the 1ACCS.  Aimee has a background in behavioral science and holds a Master's of Science in Criminal Justice and Behavior Analysis.  In addition to serving as an RTA and a Key Spouse, Aimee volunteers as a Victim Advocate for victims of sexual assault and domestic violence and also as the Vice President of the Parent-Teacher Organization at her children's school.

My Story of Resilience 

A little over two years ago, I entered into a very difficult and trying time in my life. Around the same time, with the exception of my husband, my support network literally crumbled around me. 

For anybody, this can be pretty rough. But as a military family, it was especially hard.  Sometimes we rely heavily on our surrogate families to be our support when we don’t have to strength to face our situations alone. Watching my support network systematically disappear was nothing less than traumatic. Basically, I was left to carry the stress and burden of the situation alone. 

After a few months, this bled over to my children. They were mirroring my stress. The more I focused on the negative, the more they did. 

One day in the middle of a rant, I stopped. Enough was enough. I was done with the negativity. I was done being angry. I was done letting the people and the situation control me.  

After church, the kids and I went to the store and bought a journal. That evening, we had our first entry into our “Thankful Book.” 

Our "Thankful Book" is a journal where we write down one thing we are grateful for that day.  Each night we take the time to do this as a family. For the first few months, writing in the Thankful Book was a chore and some days, it was a struggle to find even one thing I was thankful for.  However, it got easier. 

By the time the worst of the situation hit us, the Thankful Book was a part of our lives, part of our routine. Hearing what the kids were thankful for and taking the time to reflect on all that I had to be thankful for was exactly what I needed. 

To this day, we still write in our Thankful Book. The kids even have their babysitters write in it when they come over. It is no longer something we “just do”, it is something we choose to do. 

Fast forward to a few months ago when I was presented with the opportunity to go to the Resilience Training Assistant class, to become a Spouse RTA. I wasn’t 100% sure what Resilience was, but I went anyway. Over the course of 3 days, I learned different strategies on how to effectively deal with stress, enhance communication, and strengthen healthy relationships.

However, the biggest lesson for me was the moment I realized that I was practicing resilience every single day and, despite all the things I'm convinced I am doing wrong, there are a few things that I am doing right. We now had a name for our Thankful Book strategy, we were practicing resilience by  “Counting Blessings.” 

Unfortunately, I am not completely through this trying period, but I no longer let it, or the people involved, have control. Through intentionally practicing resilience, I have been able to strengthen my techniques and I am equipped with new strategies to effectively deal with the tough situations that are sure to come my way. 

I know we all face challenges and stressors on a daily basis. I also know we are our own worst critics…this is why I am so passionate about resilience and have helped create and launch the Offutt Spouse Resilience program. My hope is that through the training, spouses will realize they already practice resilience, in one form or another. And I hope they walk away continuing to strengthen their strategies, but also with new strategies in their “tool-kit” to effectively deal different situations they may encounter. 

Thank you, Aimee, for sharing your story with us today!

building resilience in Air Force families

Yesterday I wrote about my emotional bathtub and how sometimes a lot of little stressors add up to be a big deal.  Tomorrow I'll have one more post about resilience, so check back for that!

Today I’m writing about Resilience, which is important for all of us, but especially for military families.  I'm partnering with the Offutt Spouse Resilience team.  I received no compensation for writing this post and all opinions are my own.  

Resilience is like finding the plug on that emotional bathtub.  The water (stressors) will keep on coming and it might not drain as quickly as you’d like, but by keeping it unplugged, you ensure the bathtub isn’t going to overflow.

Let’s be honest here: as military families, we all know that Murphy’s Law is never truer than during deployment.  Here’s one example: on the very day her husband was set to deploy (again), my friend found out that their house had a natural gas leak, the dog needed emergency surgery, and her children had the stomach flu.  Talk about an overwhelming day!

Here at Offutt AFB, resilience has been the new buzzword!  Our Wing Commander and his wife have championed a Resilience program that has been growing over the past few months.  Active Duty members can be trained in 12 modules and become a Resilience Training Assistant (RTA), qualified to help teach resilience to their squadron.  Two spouses, Aimee Salter and Joy Draper, have taken on the task on making resilience training for spouses.  These ladies have been through the RTA training and adapted it into five modules that are most applicable to military families.

Resilience training, according to Aimee is “about learning how to effectively deal with stress and challenges we face on a daily basis, increasing effective communication, and strengthening healthy relationships.”  Joy wrote about the resilience program saying: “The training is based on the four pillars of Comprehensive Airman Fitness - Physical, Social, Spiritual, and Mental… Our goal is to build stronger families in today's Air Force. These training modules will help build a toolkit for handling every day difficulties that pop up. We hope to reach out to the spouses and assist them in becoming more resilient and, therefore, benefiting the active duty members, the squadrons, and the mission of the Air Force.”

I’ve been through three of the modules already and am planning a resilience briefing for our squadron.  I love how Aimee and Joy are passionate about resilience because they’ve needed it in their own lives!  They give practical and easy steps to start practicing resilience in your family.  Resilience is something we all need – it isn’t just for families in crisis.  Learning these techniques and incorporating them into your family life will build a solid foundation that will make you a stronger individual, which, in turn, makes a stronger family and a stronger Air Force.  I asked Aimee and Joy if they would let me share about this program on my blog because I believe that it can make a difference. 

To find out more about the Offutt Spouse Resilience, check out their Facebook page (and ‘Like’ it to stay updated on events!!) and also this news article!  I really hope that if you’re stationed here at Offutt you take advantage of this program!  I am passionate about this program so you'll probably see me at some of the events.

And if you’re at another base and think this sounds like something you would like to see at your base, contact your AFRC and ask if there’s anything in the works!

p.s. if you’re a military spouse, take a moment and share your Murphy’s Law moments of deployment, TDY, or PCS!  We all have a story like that, don’t we? 

Click here for the next post in this series!

my emotional bathtub (is overflowing)

**This post in an introduction to the posts that will follow on Tuesday and Wednesday, which are especially important if you’re stationed here at Offutt AFB.  I’m partnering with the Offutt Spouse and Partner Resilience team to spread the news about their incredible program.  I’ve written on the bathtub of emotions a few times in the past, but this post was original**

(image source)

It was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

On a normal day, my husband being late from work wouldn’t be a big deal.  But today, everything was piling up.

It was Friday and the end of a long, long week.  My son had been sick for a few days so we had been stuck inside to keep our germs contained.  Earlier in the week he had just wanted to be snuggled, but today he was feeling a bit better.  In fact, he was feeling just well enough that he was grouchy! Every few moments he collapsed into a puddle of tears if I didn’t know what he wanted or didn’t help him quickly enough.

My chronic pain had flared up again and a migraine was on its way, dizzying my sight.  My son took a ridiculously short nap, which meant I had a long list of work that still needed to be done.  Usually I would have grabbed a coke to help a bit with the migraine, but this week we were not eating sugar, so that wasn’t an option.  My husband told me he would be home early only to have a last-minute emergency that meant he stayed much later than normal.  I was ready to tap-out of the parenting thing (actually the life thing) for just a few minutes of respite, but it just wasn’t going to be happening right then.

“My bathtub is full.” I told my husband over the phone.  He knew what that meant.

Years ago, I heard that phrase from an allergist, describing how people with food sensitivities can eat little bits of a food and feel okay as long as those little bits don’t add up to equal a serious reaction.

I have adapted the phrase for my emotions.  Have you ever cried over a glass of spilled milk only to chide yourself for being upset over something so innocuous?  Usually, if you trace back over the last few days, you realize that the spilled milk was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.  So you aren't crying over just spilled milk.  

Going back to the bathtub analogy, stress is like water in a bathtub.  Each stressor might only add a couple inches of water, but when you have five or six different stressors, it adds up quickly.  When my chronic pain was at a peak, it felt like each day started with my bathtub three-quarters of the way filled.  I had such little room for extra stressors so I found that little things upset me far more than they should have.

A bathtub for emotions is a silly metaphor, but it works for me.  Countless times it has helped me communicate my stress level to my husband with just that one sentence: "My bathtub is full."

Do you have a similar phrase or metaphor for dealing with stress?

**Click here to read Part Two to hear how thisrelates to resilience in the Air Force**