Journal Entry [Sunday, March 28th, 2010]

Apex last night and Grace this morning.  

Last night Pastor Rob shared a story of the celebration of the 100 anniversary of Christian missionaries coming to a certain country (Paupa New Guinea?).  At this event, one of the natives of the land got up and made an announcement.  He was only of the oldest men still living and he said that he had important information and if he didn't reveal it, it would die with him.  He said that when the missionaries first came, the people didn't want them there, so they poisoned them.  Missionary children started dying.  Yet as the number of graves rose, the missionaries did not give up or get discouraged.  This elderly man ended by saying, "It was watching them die that made us want to join them."

Lord, so often we hear people say that people will come to Jesus as they watch how we live.  Yet here it is death that brought the change.

I want to live and die as such.  Oh Lord, I am reminded of my desire to be martyred for you and my desire to live everyday as a martyr.  May I both live and die for Your Glory.  In watching me die, may others want to join the cause of Christ.  Oh, I know that it is not easy.  Perhaps it means a lifetime of sickness.  May I be found faithful as I pass through the fire.

Use my life, Lord.  Use my sickness.  May my life truly be a beautiful, broken offering to you.

prayer

I am no longer my own, but thine.
Put me to what thou wilt, rank me with whom thou wilt;
Put me to doing, put me to suffering.
Let me be employed by thee or laid aside for thee,
exalted for thee or brought low by thee.
Let me be full, let me be empty.
Let me have all things, let me have nothing.
I freely and heartily yield all things
to thy pleasure and disposal.
And now, O glorious and blessed God,
Father, Son and Holy Spirit,
thou art mine, and I am thine. So be it.
And the covenant which I have made on earth,
let it be ratified in heaven.  Amen.
-John Wesley

the greatest threat...

I am so quick to spot it in others.  Yet I fail to see it in my own life.

When it does become visible, I make excuses.

It's a fundamental attribute error.

What I am learning is that my selfishness is destructive.

It is destructive in many areas, but one in particular.

As I prepare for marriage I spend time reading, writing, thinking, praying.

I want to protect us from all that threatens so menacingly.

But there is something that I cannot shut out.

It cannot be wished away or ignored.

What I am learning is that I am the greatest threat to my marriage.

It is only when I stop shifting blame and accept responsibility for my actions that this becomes visible.

If I allow it, my selfishness has the potential to choke and suffocate my marriage.

I need Jesus today and always.

He chose selflessness and through Him, I too can have that choice.

It will not be easy.  In fact, it will be completely contrary to my human nature.

But if each and every day I accept His grace, I can (slowly, painfully, haltingly) learn to die to self.

After all, the Christian life is simply a chance to die.

dying is hard work.

I am learning to die.

In order that I might have life.

"For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live." romans 8:13

"Put to death therefore what is earthly in you..." colossians 3:4

"I have been crucified with Christ..." galations 2:20

My pride is insidious. My apathy is worse. The answer is easy: I need Jesus.

I need Jesus every moment of every day.

I need Jesus to keep me quiet sometimes (guarding me against saying unkind or untrue words).
I need Jesus to make me talk other days (speaking Truth or speaking praise).

I need Jesus to keep me from loathing my body (abhorring the constant pain).
I need Jesus to keep me from glorifying my body (forgetting that this is just a "tent").

I need Jesus to have a desire to love people (because some days, with some people, I don't).
I need Jesus to keep me from loving people more than I love Him (and value Him and His words supremely).

It is not easy. It is never finished.

Dying is hard work.