real moments of new motherhood

I awake with a pounding head, blurry vision and an upset stomach.  It's the third time this week.  Normally I would stay in bed, pull the covers over my head and try my best to sleep through the pain until the migraine relented and I was able to get back to life.

But today that's not an option.  Seven weeks ago I became responsible for another which means I can't just pull the covers over my head.  Instead I crawl out of bed and soothe the crying babe.

How can I care for this tiny human when I'm the one who needs to be taken care of?  He's crying for his mother, but right now I'm crying for mine.

I am hit with a wave of nausea.  I know it would be a tiny bit better if I could just lay down, but I can't.  Please, Lord, not today.  I just need to be well enough to care for my baby.  Looking across the room, I eye the bucket sitting there.  Can I just make it until the end of this feeding?  ...nope.  I hear the baby howling from the crib where I hastily laid him as I sit hunch over the bucket.

Everyone talks about how hard it is to have a newborn, but not many talk about doing it with a chronic illness; when you are in a battle with your body to simply get out of bed in the morning.  So far I've been managing through my daily pain, but a migraine is like a giant wave that knocks you to the ground no matter how firmly you have your feet planted.

An arsenal of baby supplies are spread over my comforter.  My plan is to only leave the bed to change diapers.  Carrying a baby around with a migraine is simply not a good idea.  To my left is a Boppy, a blanket, a soother and a burp cloth.  To my right is his pack n play.  I can do this.  I have to do this.

But the questions linger in my mind.  How will I ever be a mother when I'm this sick?  How do you explain to a baby that mama just can't get out of bed that morning and that she just really, really needs you to stop screaming in her ear?

I hear the hum of the garage door and whisper in my little man's little ear, "Papa is home.  It's gonna be okay."  On his lunch break, my dear husband has brought me food and drink.  We both know from experience that if the migraine gets too bad we'll end up spending the evening in the emergency room and we'll try everything we can think of to stop it.

The shades are drawn.  An ice pack is on my head.  The medicine has been taken.  I'm sipping liquids as much as my upset stomach will allow.  A fan is blowing on my head.  The lunch break is over and he must return to base.  Together we pray that I will receive the strength to continue. 

Baby finally falls asleep on my chest.  I lay him in his bed hoping to close my eyes against the sun which feels like lasar beams penetrating my skull.  Thirty seconds later he is awake and screaming.  I take him in my arms again speaking softly to calm him for his sake as well as for mine.  Sweet baby, mama is doing her very best today.  I'm trying so hard to give you everything you need.  Please, please just sleep for me today.  Please just stop crying.  I'll make it up to you another day. 

As I breathe in air to sustain my body, I breathe in grace to sustain my soul.  I tell myself the truths that I am prone to forget.

This is not the day to compete for the New-Mother-of-the-Year award.  Today is not a measure of how much I love my baby.  I will not let this day be indicative of the next twenty years nor let it scare me into fearing this heavenly appointment.

Today is not easy.  Today is not enjoyable.  But I know that God has given me enough grace to make it through today.  The migraine, the crying babe, the pain.  All of it is covered by the grace I've been given.  Tomorrow holds the promise of "new mercies".  Which is good.  I've exhausted all that I've been given for today.

And although my son slumbers through my words, I whisper in his ear:  "We're gonna get through, Haddy.  We've got grace.  And life is all about grace."

T'was grace that brought me safe thus far and grace will lead me home.

Currently Reading: inSignificant

In his new book inSignificant: Why You Matter in the Surprising Way God Is Changing the World, Chris Travis challenges the common stereotypes of significance and paints a broader picture of how what it means to lead significant lives.  The platform for his book is Travis' experience teaching at 'the most dangerous middle school in all of New York City'.

With raw honesty, Travis uses his words to draw readers into the classroom where he taught.  He vividly describes the rebellion of the students and his feelings of defeat and insignificance.  Stripped away was his passion for teaching as well as his good intentions.  Travis ended the first year in utter defeat, but goes back for a second year when he is convinced that it is what God is asking him to do.  In the end, he emerges with a changed view of significance which he shares with readers.

Throughout the book, Travis mixes his own story with theology and biblical exegesis.  The book was engaging and thought-provoking as Travis relates it back to the reader and their own search for significance.  He writes plainly that "following Jesus often means losing" and shows a picture of significance that is truly counter-cultural.  inSignifcant is easy to read and conversational which makes it a good book for people of different ages.

On a personal note, inSignificant came at the perfect time as I read it just weeks after having my first baby.  There are moments when changing diapers feels like the most insignificant task in the world, yet I was challenged to see what God is teaching me through this and to be obedient to and dependent on God.  I will highly recommend this book to friends and family as I think it is relevant for all.  This is the best book I have read in awhile - I hope that others be challenged by it as well.

Disclaimer: I was given a free copy of this book by the publisher (Bethany House) in exchange for an honest review.

welcome little one!!

Introducing...

Hadden Elijah Glorioso-Mays

 Our wee one arrived late in the evening on August 3rd (just in time to share a birthday with his Auntie Elizabeth).  We are smitten!!!  He was wide awake for quite awhile, but this afternoon he is only interested in sleeping and being cuddled (I mean, who isn't interested in those things?).    We are all feeling great at this point!  Hadden has blue eyes and light brown hair.  You can't tell it from these pictures, but he has been very expressive when he's been awake - the nurses were laughing at all the funny faces he was given them the first night.  We'll post more pictures later, but here are a couple quick ones.  

From the doctors and residents to the nurses and techs, we've had the best staff during this hospital stay!  Here is the sign for his bassinet that one of the techs made.  :)

Hi, sweet boy!!

Someone is already proving to be a great papa.  ;)  He's been so great through this whole thing.

Currently Reading: Help For The Fractured Soul

Drawing on fifteen years of experience as a prayer minister, Dr. Candyce Roberts shares her insights on working with highly traumatized people in her book Help For The Fractured Soul.  This book is a guide for laity who are working with abuse victims, specifically in the realm of prayer ministry.

Throughout the book, Dr. Roberts shares many stories from her personal experiences working with victims.  These stories, although very sobering, help to give a real-world context to the advice she is giving.  Roberts is not afraid to include stories that ended with a less than favorable outcome (e.g. clients who accused her of trying to do more harm and left without finishing counseling).  This is a reminder that prayer ministry is not always easy nor does it always end perfectly.  She reminds readers multiple times that we cannot change people and that we must get frustrated with their   choices - we can encourage healing, but we cannot force someone to heal if they refuse to.

I appreciated that Roberts emphasizes in several places that we must only work within our scope of expertise.  She stresses that prayer ministers should never try to diagnose, or take the place of a licensed medical professional/psychologist.  Rather we must focus on what we are qualified to do (lead people before the throne of God) and be willing to refer them to a professional if needed.

Roberts reminds readers that before leading a prayer ministry, they must first be healthy themselves and be personally committed to inner-healing in their own lives.  Later she gives guidelines for setting boundaries with clients.  This is an important reminder to be fully investing in the lives of those to whom you are ministering, but to still value your own life and your own personal health.

While the book is directed at those working with the highly traumatized, I found many truths that could apply to any Christian.  I greatly appreciated her words on denial when she said that we will not know the truth if we are living in denial in any area of life.  The chapter on forgiveness was also poignant who anyone who has ever been hurt.

Dr. Roberts has clearly worked in this field for many years and has gleaned wisdom from her time as a prayer minister.  This book would be a great starting point for anyone interested in prayer ministry or simply for the individual trying to understand and aid a friend who is highly traumatized.   However, I will note that this book is clearly for the lay minister.  Prayer ministry can be extremely effective, but I don't believe it should replace a qualified counselor or psychologist.  Rather the two should be conflated.



Disclosure: I was given a free copy of this book by the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

haircutting woes

"Hair...like cutting it...takes a lot of concentration."

This radio interview is simply adorable.  The 5 year old sister decides to give her 3 year old sister a haircut (unbeknownst to her parents, of course).  In the clip, their father interviews them about the entire thing.

I think a certain sister of mine (who shall go unnamed) should listen to this.  Because she had (has?) a certain affinity for randomly cutting her own hair and cutting other people's as well.  ;)

community life

Lately I've been thinking a lot about community, specifically about the Church.  Living in communion with other people means that you share in their lives.  In other words, if you are truly involved and invested in a community, your happiness may be tinged with sorrow and your sorrows with happiness.


Pregnancy is so visible at this stage - it is obvious to everyone that a baby is on the way.  It is the springboard for many conversations about babies, pregnancies, due dates, names and more.  Yet as I get further along in pregnancy, I cannot help but think about women who are longing to be mothers.  The women who ache because they have been waiting for so long to carry a baby.  I can simply be going about my business buying groceries or walking into church, yet it is a reminder to a woman of an unfilled dream.  So even in our happiness, I want to be sensitive to those who are waiting and hurting.


At the same time, I was remember a couple stories of people I know who have carried babies to full-term even when they have been told that the baby is "incompatible with life."  We are thankful that (as far as we can tell) everything is going well with our baby.  But we also think of those families for whom pregnancy is a time of turbulent emotions.  I must trust that God has a plan in each individual situation so I cannot live in guilt or deny happiness over our baby.  But I want to be a friend who can walk with people through their sorrows and who truly empathized with those who are hurting.  After all, I have been the one who is hurting and, no doubt, it is only a matter of time before I am the one who is hurting again.

I had the same conflation of feelings at my wedding.  So, so happy to be marrying Mr. Mays...yet aware of the fact that some people wanted to be married and were still waiting.  And also aware that marriage isn't for everyone - some people are really happy being single and perhaps they get tired of the idea that marriage is the ultimate goal for all people.


This comes through in many other areas of life too.  Just because my grad school plans have been put on hold because of the baby, I still want to rejoice with those friends who have are getting their advanced degrees (lucky ducks! ;).  I remember being so sick in college and struggling to rejoice with friends over things when I kept thinking about the fact that I could barely walk back and forth to classes.  Everything that other people were happy about seemed so frivolous in the moments when I was waiting for a call from a doctor that could potentially change my life forever.

Ultimately, our motivation for living this way should be our desire to be like Christ.  He commanded this lifestyle and He modeled this lifestyle.  While on earth, He empathized with the people around him (think of his weeping over Lazarus' death, his care for the woman at the well, taking the time to talk to the women who was bleeding).  He could have been focused on His impending death and pain, yet He took the time to engage in life with those around Him and to be present in their sorrows and joys.

The best example I've heard of this style of living comes from a professor at Cedarville.  We were studying Psalms and I was struggling with the fact that we (as Christians) sometimes ignore the lament psalms.  My life at that stage definitely fit the psalms of lament more than the psalms of joyful praise and I was so incredibly annoyed with Christians who pretended that everything was perfect in life.  The professor said that living in community meant that we embraced both of these.  And then he shared a story from his life of a couple who very unexpectedly lost their adult daughter.  The entire church showed up to the funeral, mourning with them and surrounding them in love and support.  The very next day, there was a wedding at the church.  No one expected the couple to show up.  No one would have been offended in the slightest if they had stayed home in their grief.  Yet there they were.  When asked about it, they said (paraphrased), "Yesterday the entire Church mourned with us in our sorrow.  Now it is our chance to rejoice with the Church and show them the same love that they showed us."

May we all strive to have a similar attitude.

Independence Day (and more)

We celebrated Independence Day starting Tuesday night with fireworks!  Offutt AFB has a beautiful base lake that is open to military families.  It has a campground, a sand volleyball court, picnic areas, boat rentals, fishing, etc.  On Tuesday afternoon/evening the FSS hosted a special event for the base families and ending with fireworks.  We showed up about an hour before the fireworks which is when I snapped the picture above.  While we were waiting, one of the AF bands performed and it was fun to hear the music floating across the lake to us.  The fireworks were directly across from us so we had great seats.  :)

The only thing Caleb requested for the 4th was fruit pizza, so I whipped this up.  It reminded both of us of last year when we celebrated the 4th of July with my sister, brother-in-law and niece and we made fruit pizza with them.  I had one very happy husband.  ;)  We spent the rest of the day running errands and relaxing.  

Twice a week, I go to the hospital for special monitoring which means I am getting to know the maternity ward and the nurses very well.  In addition to those, I still have regular appointments with the OB.  We're thankful that I'm getting good medical care (and especially thankful that the AF covers it all). The downside of all these appointments is that it makes sharing a car a little more complicated.  One day last week I made ELEVEN trips back and forth between base and our house/the hospital/the clinic.  Caleb made a few more trips later on, but I was wiped out by that point, so I stayed home!  :)