It is 5:00am. For hours I have tossed and turned, searching for relief from my pain. I find none.
I detest, I loathe my body. This is strong language, yet it is the secret that I carry of abhorring my very being. Fighting bitterness over disappointment and despair of a body turned against me. It rebels. I have little control. What hope is there? What reason to push on and fight for another day?
At 5am (as I wait for dawn after a painfully slow night) it is difficult to see any. Yet I must go on. I must fight. I must wage war against my flesh. I refuse to let me body win. I refuse to be captive to it. I refuse to let it suck all the joy from my life.
Dualism. I am more than simply a physical being. I have a soul that can never die. While my body languishes away, my soul can be filled aplenty as it gorges on God's grace and faithfulness.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Forgiveness: It's A Choice
"Bitterness is drinking poison while waiting for the other person to die."
Bitterness gnaws away at my soul. It is an unseen disease, yet it is as putrid as a flesh-eating disease (look up pictures of this - its truly horrific). If I let it, bitterness will insidiously consume me.
This is a bleak future for those who have been hurt. Yet God offers us another option.
Forgiveness.
It seems impossible. And truthfully and simply, it is.
Forgiveness is completely antithetical to our human nature - we fight, we war against it. It is only through Christ that we can forgive. And Christ is the model for forgiveness. He was the one who taught us to pray, "forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors" (Matthew 6:12). Isaiah tells us that God makes a conscious decision to not remember our sins. We must do the same. Day by day, and some times minute by minute, we must choose forgiveness.
The first step may be to simply admit your bitterness. The word "confession" means to "agree with God" and often we simply need to view our sin through Christ's eyes and call it what it is. Each time hurt wells inside of you (and believe me, it will) purpose to meditate on Scripture. Later, as you are able, begin to pray for those who have hurt you.
Forgiveness is not necessarily letting that person "off the hook". It is not denying the pain that they have caused you. Forgiveness is trusting that God will deal justly with that person. Take your pain and your hurt to God - He is big enough to handle your pain (and goodness knows "stuffing" pain doesn't do any good) and He desires to bring healing to your life "that you have have life and have it abundantly".
I am praying that you (whoever YOU are) will be able to take the first step on the journey of forgiveness. It is a journey toward freedom and toward life.
"We never look more like Christ than when we forgive" (Beth Moore, Praying God's Word)
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and to discover that the prisoner was you." (Lewis B. Smedes)
Bitterness gnaws away at my soul. It is an unseen disease, yet it is as putrid as a flesh-eating disease (look up pictures of this - its truly horrific). If I let it, bitterness will insidiously consume me.
This is a bleak future for those who have been hurt. Yet God offers us another option.
Forgiveness.
It seems impossible. And truthfully and simply, it is.
Forgiveness is completely antithetical to our human nature - we fight, we war against it. It is only through Christ that we can forgive. And Christ is the model for forgiveness. He was the one who taught us to pray, "forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors" (Matthew 6:12). Isaiah tells us that God makes a conscious decision to not remember our sins. We must do the same. Day by day, and some times minute by minute, we must choose forgiveness.
The first step may be to simply admit your bitterness. The word "confession" means to "agree with God" and often we simply need to view our sin through Christ's eyes and call it what it is. Each time hurt wells inside of you (and believe me, it will) purpose to meditate on Scripture. Later, as you are able, begin to pray for those who have hurt you.
Forgiveness is not necessarily letting that person "off the hook". It is not denying the pain that they have caused you. Forgiveness is trusting that God will deal justly with that person. Take your pain and your hurt to God - He is big enough to handle your pain (and goodness knows "stuffing" pain doesn't do any good) and He desires to bring healing to your life "that you have have life and have it abundantly".
I am praying that you (whoever YOU are) will be able to take the first step on the journey of forgiveness. It is a journey toward freedom and toward life.
"We never look more like Christ than when we forgive" (Beth Moore, Praying God's Word)
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and to discover that the prisoner was you." (Lewis B. Smedes)
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Learning from the life of Jesus
Just a quick thought to share today. As I've been reading Dr. Luke's account of the Gospel I was challenged by the life of Jesus (no surprise there). Jesus is frequently seen withdrawing from the crowd and even his disciples. I've often heard these passages used to remind people that its okay to take times away from public ministry and away from people. Here are some additional thoughts on the matter.
First of all, Jesus withdrew for a set reason: to pray. This prompted me to ask myself honestly if I used my time alone wisely. Am I actively spending time in prayer, in the Word and journaling? Am I using my time alone intentionally? Because if I am simply wasting time, frittering it away on Facebook or Youtube, I am not going to be ready to serve those around me. By no means am I saying that it is wrong to spend time on Facebook or watching a movie, but (speaking for myself here) if the majority of my precious time alone is spent on those things, I will be less prepared and less happy to spend time with people. Sometimes an hour is wasted on something frivolous that could have been spent preparing my heart.
Secondly, when Jesus was with people He was fully, completely, 100% with the people. He observed so much, he perceived their thoughts, he noticed those on the fringes of the crowd (like when he saw Zacchaeus in the tree). I think he was able to do this, in part, because He was careful and intentional with his time alone. When your time alone is not being used well, it can be easy to resent being around people or having them stop by.
This year I want to be intentional with people and also with my times of solitude.
First of all, Jesus withdrew for a set reason: to pray. This prompted me to ask myself honestly if I used my time alone wisely. Am I actively spending time in prayer, in the Word and journaling? Am I using my time alone intentionally? Because if I am simply wasting time, frittering it away on Facebook or Youtube, I am not going to be ready to serve those around me. By no means am I saying that it is wrong to spend time on Facebook or watching a movie, but (speaking for myself here) if the majority of my precious time alone is spent on those things, I will be less prepared and less happy to spend time with people. Sometimes an hour is wasted on something frivolous that could have been spent preparing my heart.
Secondly, when Jesus was with people He was fully, completely, 100% with the people. He observed so much, he perceived their thoughts, he noticed those on the fringes of the crowd (like when he saw Zacchaeus in the tree). I think he was able to do this, in part, because He was careful and intentional with his time alone. When your time alone is not being used well, it can be easy to resent being around people or having them stop by.
This year I want to be intentional with people and also with my times of solitude.
Friday, December 24, 2010
When The Saints...
When discouragement comes, when despair sets in, when you feel completely alone, remember that you are not alone on this journey toward Christ-likeness.
Follow the footsteps of the ancients.
Look back. Remember the Christians through the ages. Think about the foundation of the Church in Acts. Read Foxes' Book of Martyrs and see what Christians have gone through for Christ's sake. Muse on the lives of individuals like William Wilberforce, St. Augustine, Harriet Tubman, Martin Luther, C.S. Lewis, Mother Thersea, St. Francis of Assissi, Corrie Ten Boom, Watchman Nee, George Muller, Amy Carmichael, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, St. Patrick, Thomas Aquinas, John Calvin, Jim Elliot and many, many others.
Look around. See the global Church. There are Christians around the world facing trials of different kinds. People around the world are fighting now for Christ's sake. There are organizations such as IJM that are publicly doing a lot to pursue justice around the world in Christ's name. These organizations are wonderful and do a lot of good, but remember that there are people fighting individually as well. Remember the catholic (global) Church and remember your connection to these people around the world.
We are saints together with these others. Together, we represent the Bride of Christ. This is both an encouragement and an admonition. It is an encouragement because we have the writings and wisdom and support of all of these siblings. We do not fight alone. Yet it is also an admonition to be functioning as part of this Body, to receive from the ancient and modern saints and to give what we can to current and future saints.
As Sara Groves sings, "When the saints go marching in, I wanna be one of them!"
When The Saints (Sara Groves):
Lord I have a heavy burden of all I've seen and know
It's more than I can handle
But your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones
and I cannot let it go
And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought
I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
Lord it's all that I can't carry and cannot leave behind
it often overwhelms me
but when I think of all who've gone before and lived the faithful life
their courage compels me
And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought
I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharohs court
I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad
I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul
I see the young missionary and the angry spear
I see his family returning with no trace of fear
I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights
I see the sister standing by the dying man's side
I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door
I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
and when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
Follow the footsteps of the ancients.
Look back. Remember the Christians through the ages. Think about the foundation of the Church in Acts. Read Foxes' Book of Martyrs and see what Christians have gone through for Christ's sake. Muse on the lives of individuals like William Wilberforce, St. Augustine, Harriet Tubman, Martin Luther, C.S. Lewis, Mother Thersea, St. Francis of Assissi, Corrie Ten Boom, Watchman Nee, George Muller, Amy Carmichael, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, St. Patrick, Thomas Aquinas, John Calvin, Jim Elliot and many, many others.
Look around. See the global Church. There are Christians around the world facing trials of different kinds. People around the world are fighting now for Christ's sake. There are organizations such as IJM that are publicly doing a lot to pursue justice around the world in Christ's name. These organizations are wonderful and do a lot of good, but remember that there are people fighting individually as well. Remember the catholic (global) Church and remember your connection to these people around the world.
We are saints together with these others. Together, we represent the Bride of Christ. This is both an encouragement and an admonition. It is an encouragement because we have the writings and wisdom and support of all of these siblings. We do not fight alone. Yet it is also an admonition to be functioning as part of this Body, to receive from the ancient and modern saints and to give what we can to current and future saints.
As Sara Groves sings, "When the saints go marching in, I wanna be one of them!"
When The Saints (Sara Groves):
Lord I have a heavy burden of all I've seen and know
It's more than I can handle
But your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones
and I cannot let it go
And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought
I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
Lord it's all that I can't carry and cannot leave behind
it often overwhelms me
but when I think of all who've gone before and lived the faithful life
their courage compels me
And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought
I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharohs court
I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad
I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul
I see the young missionary and the angry spear
I see his family returning with no trace of fear
I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights
I see the sister standing by the dying man's side
I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door
I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
and when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
Saturday, October 23, 2010
on days when the pain is inescapable...
Today the pain is inescapable. My physical pain has been really intense this week, nauseating at times. And moreover, I continue to see brokenness all around me in my own life and in the lives of others. Life is hard. But it doesn't do any good to stop there. I have been commanded to not complain (Phil 2:14).
So...here is what I do on days (like today) when the pain is inescapable. This list is not exhaustive. And my human responses are not perfect. But here's how I'm handling today.
-I shut the blinds, turn down the A/C and crawl under the covers hoping that at least the migraine will leave
-I choose humility and accept the wheelchair and an offer to push me to dinner
-I journal, collecting my thoughts, my prayers, my fears, my thanks.
-I pray for him, this man God has blessed me with
-I "feed on His faithfulness" (Psalm 37) and remind myself how He's always been faithful
-I press repeat and hear Christy Nockel's sweet voice reminding me of the simple truth that Jesus Loves Me in the form of a lullaby.
-I prepare to take my girls to the women's event on campus and pray that it will open up good conversations
-I update my gratitude journal
-I preach the Truth to myself (like Psalm 103)
-I remind myself that my life is all about dying
-I thank Jesus for the chance to minister and love on these girls He's placed in my hall and the friends that surround me as well
-I hold my Bible tight, my fingers caressing the tear-stained pages and force myself to be re-amazed at the Gospel, which I often take for granted.
-I thank Jesus for adopted little sisters (you know who you are!!) who fill in when my own can't be here
-I sent texts of love to my baby sisters and tell them how proud I am of them
-I confess my sin, acknowledging and agreeing with God about what it is and refusing to put pretty labels on it or make excuses
-I pull out a favorite devotional and see how saints through the ages have endured
-I delight in the fact that I'm going to Heaven where I will see Jesus (Rev 21-22) and all will be right.
So...here is what I do on days (like today) when the pain is inescapable. This list is not exhaustive. And my human responses are not perfect. But here's how I'm handling today.
-I shut the blinds, turn down the A/C and crawl under the covers hoping that at least the migraine will leave
-I choose humility and accept the wheelchair and an offer to push me to dinner
-I journal, collecting my thoughts, my prayers, my fears, my thanks.
-I pray for him, this man God has blessed me with
-I "feed on His faithfulness" (Psalm 37) and remind myself how He's always been faithful
-I press repeat and hear Christy Nockel's sweet voice reminding me of the simple truth that Jesus Loves Me in the form of a lullaby.
-I prepare to take my girls to the women's event on campus and pray that it will open up good conversations
-I update my gratitude journal
-I preach the Truth to myself (like Psalm 103)
-I remind myself that my life is all about dying
-I thank Jesus for the chance to minister and love on these girls He's placed in my hall and the friends that surround me as well
-I hold my Bible tight, my fingers caressing the tear-stained pages and force myself to be re-amazed at the Gospel, which I often take for granted.
-I thank Jesus for adopted little sisters (you know who you are!!) who fill in when my own can't be here
-I sent texts of love to my baby sisters and tell them how proud I am of them
-I confess my sin, acknowledging and agreeing with God about what it is and refusing to put pretty labels on it or make excuses
-I pull out a favorite devotional and see how saints through the ages have endured
-I delight in the fact that I'm going to Heaven where I will see Jesus (Rev 21-22) and all will be right.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
one year
(this is an adaption of a paper that I wrote for one of my professors earlier in the semester)
It has been 12 months since I got sick. 12 months of constant pain. 12 months of doctors’ appointments and medication. 12 months of explaining to friends and strangers. 12 months of fighting every day. I never want to pretend it’s easy – it’s not. But in addition to all the awful parts, it’s been 12 months of relying on God’s faithfulness daily. 12 months of learning to surrender. 12 months of a body reminding me to yearn for heaven. 12 months of seeing the people of God rally around in support. 12 months of sharing how He’s gotten me through. 12 months of constant mental repetition of Truth. 12 months of remembering that the Christian life is about dying to self. While being sick is changing how I think about my future (i.e. what jobs I will have, whether or not I will ever be a wife and a mother, what my body will be able to do in 5 years), I am reminded that my illness has in no way changed God’s plans for my future. Suffering on this earth is temporary (even though it doesn’t feel very temporary) and the Christian life is not to be confused with the American dream.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
the healer of my heart
We stand in chapel and sing out praises to God, calling Him "the healer". My stomach churns within me. My aching body reminds me that I have yet to be physically healed. The wheelchair sitting next to me, waiting to be used again after chapel, taunts that I am still sick.
I believe that God has the power to heal me. I've read the Gospels where He is shown as having power over dieases and disabilities. And I believe that He has healed others.
But I don't believe that it's always God's will for people to be healed.
At least not physically.
I cry out to God saying, "Don't you see my desperation? See how much I need You to heal me?"
But the Truth remains.
So much more than a healer for my body, I need a healer for my heart.
Without Jesus, my heart is bruised, decrepid and rotten.
Oh Great Physician of my soul, come and bring the healing I so desperately need.
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