Sunday, May 9, 2010

chronic control freak chooses daily surrender

It's true.

I'm a control freak.

I like things orderly, neat and predicable.

As of late my life has been anything but predicable. The past two "breaks" are perfect examples. Christmas break was spent almost entirely at the neurologist's office. The large majority of my time was either spent on the couch or at Dr. Lee's. It was a long, long break. The semester that followed seemed just as long at times. When this semester finally ended I was headed home for three weeks of respite and recovery before heading back to school for a summer job. I was going to enjoy time with my family, work some on my summer classes and, oh yeah, check in with my neurologist, rheumatologist and general practitioner. The freakish side of me that likes everything to be perfectly scheduled was very happy with this perfectly planned break.

Life isn't perfect.

Things don't go as planned.

Hadn't I learned this yet?

The neurologist is worried. Things aren't right. He's reordering all my tests from Christmas. Suddenly my three weeks of rest turn into three weeks of tests and appointments. In addition to the neurology exams we're adding in appointments with a chiropractor and a massage therapist, and of course, visits to my other doctors.

(Side note: can I just say that I have a really awesome medical staff?? My doctors and nurses are fantastic and I appreciate them all so much.)

I surrendered my life to Jesus and gave Him control when I became a Christian. But it's really a daily choice. Daily saying that He has control over my heath, my schedule, my plans, my family, my grades, my tongue, my entertainment choices and everything else.

I was reminded tonight of something I journaled about a month ago. I wrote, "I am attempting to embrace my struggle thus hoping to give dignity to my humanity. I recognize with each undesired, uncontrollable spasm and quiver of my body that I am not in control. That life is not about me. I am helpless to control my flesh just as I am helpless to control my world. As I lie awake at night, restless, weary, exhausted I am reminded that my sustainment comes from YHWH. When deep aches and sharp pains buffet my frame, I recall Your suffering in my place. Sweet Jesus, I choose surrender."

Truth be told, I hate surrendering. I desperately want to control every aspect of life within my grasp. But I am learning. I am learning slowly. I am learning because I am being forced to learn. It's been good. Mostly. ; )

On another note, along with practicing surrender I am practicing gratitude. Here are some of my recent "everyday epiphanies":

Gratitude Journal Entries 146 - 154

146. late night talks including giggles and tears
147. coming home to be embraced by people who love me
148. handwritten letters
149. an old book as familiar and endearing as a treasured friend
150. seeing people bond over favorite books
151. raindrops pounding on the roof
152. singing along to the music
153. cool air moving in from a thunderstorm
154. seeing the sun prevail through the storm

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