The Day I Was Published. (And Why I Need to Get Thicker Skin)

Two weeks ago I had my very first article get published at RELEVANT.  It is such a tiny step in a lot of ways - there are so many wonderful writers in the world who get published all the time.  But this first time was special to me.  It was special, but it was also a bit crazy and scary.

It was a very normal day.  I did laundry.  I ran to Target.  I got a migraine.  I picked up the toddler's food off the floor.  I skipped writing to huddle in bed watching Sherlock and tried to get rid of the shakes that accompanied the migraine.

But at the same time I was watching the article and seeing as people read it and responded.  It absolutely astounded me to see my words valued and see that my story resonated with people.

Most amazing to me was the fact that men (PASTORS, even) shared my article.  I know it is silly since I'm both a feminist and an egalitarian, but it is still a surprise to me when Christian men think I have valuable thoughts and bring something to the table.  That's sad, right?  I so deeply want my (imaginary) daughter to grow up feeling valued and important in Church and to know that her words matter.

When the article went live, I knew, of course, that I would get negative comments.  What I didn't know is how much they would sting.  I didn't know that sharing my story gave people permission to comment on my marriage and my life and make assumptions based on what they read.  But that's what they did.

A few days after it was published, one of the negative comments was still bothering me.  Every time I thought about that comment, it was as if those words were being etched into my heart.  I cried in the car, feeling vastly misunderstood and mostly worrying about the negative words affecting my family.  My husband had read and approved the article before I submitted it because I knew that this story wasn't just about me.  But had I made the right choice in sharing our story?  

As I drove, I kept listening to Aubrey Assad's song "I Shall Not Want" and the line where she asks to be delivered "from the need to be understood."  It resonated with me that day as I just wished I could sit down with those negative commenters and tell them all the bits of the story that didn't fit in the article.  I was sure they would understand then.  I needed them to understand.

The image of the negative words being etched into my heart wouldn't leave my mind.  But then, in an uncharacteristic Charismatic moment, I felt God tell me something.  I was suddenly sure that those words weren't allowed to remain on my heart and burn their way into my life.   My identity is found in Christ and he has already told me what he thinks of me.

I know that the more I wrote, the more negative comments I will receive.  And I also know that I need to let them go.  Writing has connected me to God and has been a way for me to "work through my salvation with fear and with trembling."  Writing has connected me to people, both other writers and people who have resonated with my story.  And, truthfully, I've always been a writer in some form or another.  In the past it has just been in the form of journals.  I am healthy and happy when I write.  And that is the reason I continue to write.

currently reading: Bittersweet

Try Grammarly's plagiarism checker free of charge because when your mother told you that "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery," she wasn't giving you a free pass to plagiarize! (Plus, she was quoting someone herself!)

My book review in fewer than 10 words: 

IT IS SO GOOD! GO BUY A COPY IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!

My book review in more than 10 words:

If you've read my review of Shauna Niequest's book Bread & Wine, it will probably come as no surprise that I loved this book as well.  Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way is Shauna's second book, which she wrote in between Cold Tangerines and Bread & Wine.  I am just now starting Cold Tangerines, which means that I have read her books exactly opposite as to how she wrote them.

As the title suggests, Bittersweet is written out of a season of loss and frustration in Shauna's life that will later yield good lessons.  This is a book that not everyone will understand.  But if you, too, have had a season where it feels like you are just bracing yourself for the next blow, for whatever disaster God or fate could send you next, this may be the book you need to read.

Bittersweet is a collection of essays that cover all sorts of things: the loss of a job and the loss of a baby.  Moving away from loved ones and making new ones.  Cooking and gatherings round tables.  Grace, grace, and more grace.  Friendships, families, motherhood and more.

In "Grace is the New Math," she writes of keeping a tally of the good and the bad of a person's life and calculating up their worth.  "Grace is smashing the calculator, and using all the broken buttons and pieces to make a mosaic."

This book came at the perfect time in my life.  I am, just now, slowly, calling myself a writer.  I haven't been able to say it aloud to someone, but I'm working on that.  In "Love Song for the Fall" Shauna writes about writing.  She says, "...it's hard work, fraught with fear and self-consciousness..."  It is silly, of course, but I assume that fantastic writers sit down at the computer and the correct words flow out with no effort.  When I read that she had to force herself to sit down and work, suddenly writing was normalized for me.  This is difficult for everyone.  This is not always enjoyable.  This takes time.  This. is. difficult.

Multiple essays are on the subject of miscarriage.  Although I would never be bold enough to say that I understand miscarriage, her words gave me a window into what mothers must be feeling after the loss of a baby.  She writes of remembering the due date and thinking about "what might have been."  She tells readers to "say something" after a tragedy, even if it is awkward and you are not sure what to say.  I told my husband that if we know someone who miscarries, I'd like to buy them this book in addition to being there for them.  What I meant was that I wanted to give them words when they might not know how to express what they are feeling and, since I can't relate to that experience at this point in my life, I want to hand them a reminder that they are not alone.  

Earlier I said, "Go buy this book immediately!"  I was serious.  

Nebraskan Skies

 Some days I am pretty hard on Nebraska.

After all, we were supposed to be overseas right now.  And although we've built a lovely little life here, I can't help but remember our plans to live in Europe and spend the weekends exploring new cities.

The winters here are long and cold.  The wind is fierce.  The landscape turns grey.  Grey slush on the roads.  Grey dried-up lawns.  Grey skies.

Grey. Grey. Grey.

But then a day comes when you walk outside and gaze up, mesmerized.

The sky that has been grey for so long now seems impossibly blue.  The clouds perfectly white and fluffy move along at a snail's pace.  

I crink my neck to stare up at it.  I feel small in the most wonderful way possible.  It is as if the sky threw open her arms to reveal all that she has been hiding these dull, winter months.  She is tired of the complaints and the grumbles she has been getting so she is finally going to show off what she has.

"Fine, Nebraska!"  I yell at the heavens, "I'm sorry for saying so many horrible things about you!"

The sky is big.  I am small.

I take a deep breath.  It is as if I've been half-breathing all winter long and, just now, I'm actually able to inhale properly.

The calendar told me that spring arrived some days ago.  But today the sky is telling me with much more certainly than any calendar could have: spring is here!

 

p.s. all these images actually were taken in Nebraska.  I told you!  Mesmerizing!

30 by 30

I try to be intentional with my life.  I want to make it count and make the most of it.  One way I've been intentional lately is by setting goals, specifically, 30 goals to reach before I turn 30 years old!

I haven't compiled all 30 goals yet, but I thought I would share a few of the ones I have chosen so far.  Here there are:

1.  Have five articles published

     - Honesty in a Culture of Church Taboos (March 2014)

2.  Write 10 entries in my journal for my son

     - entry completed Feb 2014

     - entry completed March 2014

3.  Complete a 5K with my husband and my son

4.  Spend time alone at a monastery or retreat center

5.  Pay for a stranger's meal

6.  Complete another Whole30

     - We're starting one next week!  If we finish it, this goal will be completed in May 2014

7.  Take a writing class

8.  Read 50 books

     - I Am Hutterite (March 2014)

     - Cold Tangerines (April 2014)

9.  Write five guest posts for other bloggers

10. Learn to make my friend's amazing tostadas

11. Travel overseas as a family

12. Travel to two new states 

I have a few years to complete all these goals (and to finalize the rest of the list)!  You can see that I have a variety of goals - some health related, others personal, and others focused on writing.  I've also tried to quantify them as much as possible (e.g. 'Read 50 books' instead of 'Read more often').  

Would you ever consider doing 30 by 30?  Do you even make goals?  I'd love to hear which ones you've set (and ones you have reached!).

Pets and Military Life

My toddler son adores dogs.  He is absolutely head-over-heels in love with any dog he meets.

My husband never had a dog growing up, but since we met he has told me how he always wanted a dog named Spot.  (I was completely annoyed that he wanted to name his dog Spot because I thought it was completely unoriginal.  I still hold to that argument.)

We thought about getting a puppy.

But...we're a military family!  We want to live overseas and know that it can be a big hassle to get pets overseas as they need special shots and (depending on where you go) they have to be quarantined for several weeks.  I know that when my husband deploys I want to be free to travel to see family without having an extra living being to worry about.  The bottom line was that we knew we wanted to be 100% committed to a dog before we added one to the family and we aren't sure that it is the right time for us.  Still I knew how happy dogs made my son and I wanted to capitalize on his excitement.

We found a compromise.  We fostered a darling puppy for a couple weeks.  He was, of course, dubbed Spot.  A couple of weeks of fostering was just long enough to remind me that I am absolutely NOT ready to commit to a dog longterm this year.  Whew.  Between the puppy and the toddler I used an inordinate amount of paper towels those two weeks.

Spot has since found a forever home (and we've gone back to sleeping through the night).  But our experience has made me wonder about pets and military life.  Is it a good idea for military families to have pets?

A week or so before Spot arrived we acquired a Beta fish from a family PCSing overseas, which is just another example of pets and military life not being the best fit.  Still, I would hate to tell my children that they could never have pets because of their dad's career choice.  And having a pet may be comfort and constant in their lives that will routinely be "interrupted" by PCS and deployments.

So now I'm asking you: What have you decided about pets and military life?  Do you have any advice for us??

Fort Hood.

(Photo by Josh Plueger of Offutt AFB on Flickr via Creative Commons license)

Our thoughts and prayers go out to everyone affected by the Fort Hood Shooting.  As Americans and as a military community, we grieve with you.

"Fort Hood Gunman Was Being Treated for Depression"

It scares me to see headlines like that.

It scares me because I'm afraid this will only increase the stigma surrounding depression and that people will avoid getting help because they are afraid of being labeled.

Please.  Get help.

There is no shame.

Scenes of Church

(Photo from Avidly Abide on Flickr via Creative Commons license)

"Bashing the Church is in."

I read that line last week and I have kept turning it over in my head.  I'm not sure how I feel about it.  In some ways, I suppose it is "in" to bash the Church, if that's what you want to call it.  Some people might even categorize my own writing this way.  But I don't think this "bashing" is always wrong.  Honest critiques of the Church have helped it to grow and change in good ways.

Some of these critiques have come from voices that were formerly voiceless, including women and racial minorities.  As these groups have spoken up, it has been beautiful.  Together we are achieving a more robust and honest version of the Church.

Other critiques are coming from those who have been hurt and, yes, even abused in the church.  People are realizing for the first time that they weren't the only one.  That they aren't alone.  They are standing up, crying for justice, and calling for change.  Again, beautiful.  And necessary.

Yet I know what that comment was getting at.  Even though I believe that there is a place for critiquing the Church, I want to be sure that I am celebrating the Church as well.

***

After I receive my communion wine and bread, I slip out the back door and to my son's classroom.  We're always the first ones to pick up our child because we love bringing him into "big church" with us for a few minutes.

As I enter the auditorium again, communion has ended and our Church is on their feet singing.

The song at the end is always my favorite, no matter which song we're singing.  Perhaps it is because we've just finished communion or because we just heard a compelling sermon.  But I think it might have to do with the fact that my son is there.

I love holding him in my arms and singing out.  I love seeing his eyes dart around the auditorium to see friends and to watch the musicians on stage.  I love standing together as a family and worshipping.  I love living out my faith in front of my son.

***

It is just a living room.  Yet something holy is happening there this night.

"We need help."

The words are simple, yet honest.  We rally around our friends.  We corral them in love.  We pray over them.

I stand far off, keeping an eye on the little ones who have wandered into the kitchen in search of mischief.  But as I look up, I see it:  the Church.

This is what the Church looks like.  A tangle of people, surrounding those who are weak in this moment.  Our small group isn't always this way, but tonight, tonight I can feel it.  Something is happening here.  I am glad to be apart of it.

***

That night six women came together from six different days and six different lives.  It was a "come as you are" night - as long as who you are was carrying food or wine.  Usually we meet with husbands and children, but tonight it was just us.

We filled our plates, then went back for seconds.  We finished the wine and had to search for more.

We sat and talked for hours, the conversation weaving together many topics.  We talked about parenting and marriage and dating and courting.  We talked about hurting for someone and about being hurt by someone.  We spoke.  We listened.  We disagreed at times.

I said I was leaving and, over an hour later, I finally made it out the door.  As I drove home that night I thought about these women and their families and how we've gotten to know them over the past year.  Together we've broken bread, babysat children, gone through trials, celebrated accomplishments and birthdays.  We are a small part of our local church which is an even smaller part of the universal Church.  But, together, we are the Church.

***

Sitting with a friend while our toddlers play, toys strewn around the room.

I am honest.  Deeply, vulnerably, embarrassingly honest.

She listens, then talks, then prays.  She is an agent of Christ as she ushers in healing.

It doesn't look like Church.  But it is Church.

***

I reach for my phone and try to discreetly take a picture.  Again.  And again, it doesn't turn out like I planned.

Our Church is taking communion and I want to capture the beauty of these sacred moments.  People stream from their seats and approach with outstretched hands to receive the Eucharist.  And it is b e a u t i f u l.

A picture could never do it justice.

***

Today I'm celebrating scenes from Church.  Do you have any to share?