The Day I Was Published. (And Why I Need to Get Thicker Skin)

Two weeks ago I had my very first article get published at RELEVANT.  It is such a tiny step in a lot of ways - there are so many wonderful writers in the world who get published all the time.  But this first time was special to me.  It was special, but it was also a bit crazy and scary.

It was a very normal day.  I did laundry.  I ran to Target.  I got a migraine.  I picked up the toddler's food off the floor.  I skipped writing to huddle in bed watching Sherlock and tried to get rid of the shakes that accompanied the migraine.

But at the same time I was watching the article and seeing as people read it and responded.  It absolutely astounded me to see my words valued and see that my story resonated with people.

Most amazing to me was the fact that men (PASTORS, even) shared my article.  I know it is silly since I'm both a feminist and an egalitarian, but it is still a surprise to me when Christian men think I have valuable thoughts and bring something to the table.  That's sad, right?  I so deeply want my (imaginary) daughter to grow up feeling valued and important in Church and to know that her words matter.

When the article went live, I knew, of course, that I would get negative comments.  What I didn't know is how much they would sting.  I didn't know that sharing my story gave people permission to comment on my marriage and my life and make assumptions based on what they read.  But that's what they did.

A few days after it was published, one of the negative comments was still bothering me.  Every time I thought about that comment, it was as if those words were being etched into my heart.  I cried in the car, feeling vastly misunderstood and mostly worrying about the negative words affecting my family.  My husband had read and approved the article before I submitted it because I knew that this story wasn't just about me.  But had I made the right choice in sharing our story?  

As I drove, I kept listening to Aubrey Assad's song "I Shall Not Want" and the line where she asks to be delivered "from the need to be understood."  It resonated with me that day as I just wished I could sit down with those negative commenters and tell them all the bits of the story that didn't fit in the article.  I was sure they would understand then.  I needed them to understand.

The image of the negative words being etched into my heart wouldn't leave my mind.  But then, in an uncharacteristic Charismatic moment, I felt God tell me something.  I was suddenly sure that those words weren't allowed to remain on my heart and burn their way into my life.   My identity is found in Christ and he has already told me what he thinks of me.

I know that the more I wrote, the more negative comments I will receive.  And I also know that I need to let them go.  Writing has connected me to God and has been a way for me to "work through my salvation with fear and with trembling."  Writing has connected me to people, both other writers and people who have resonated with my story.  And, truthfully, I've always been a writer in some form or another.  In the past it has just been in the form of journals.  I am healthy and happy when I write.  And that is the reason I continue to write.

parental overshare in the information age

So yesterday I was browsing Pinterest and came across a blog post about elimination communication (EC).  If you're not familiar with EC, it's basically potty training from a very young age (i.e. 3 months old).  The mother discussed how she used this method with her children and how much success she had.  She also shared pictures.  In fact, the "pinned" image was a picture of her naked baby daughter held over a bucket with poo in it.  I'm sure that the mother meant no ill harm to her daughter.  But I can't help but cringe when I see that kind of over-sharing.

I've written before about why my husband and I decided to make a private blog to document our son's life.  And perhaps people are sick of reading about those reasons.  But I am convinced that this is an important topic that parents need to take more seriously.

Recently I read two other articles on this topic.  The first was from The Atlantic entitled "The Ethical Implications of Parents Writing About Their Children".  Here's an excerpt:

"While serious revelations pose a greater threat to a child's reputation, humiliating stories may be more likely to destroy a parent-child relationship. A child might sympathize with writing about his illness, but not about that time when he was three and wet the bed. And a story of everyday parenting challenges could still reflect poorly on a child down the line. Between two equivalent candidates, who would hire the one who once begged for $600 jeans?"

And the second (which is mentioned in the first article) is "Thanks, Mom, for Not Telling the World I Pulled a Knife on You" from the NYT parenting blog "Motherlode".

"In this Internet age, children deserve to struggle into adulthood with some degree of privacy. If my mother had publicized that moment when I cut my arm, it could have devastated my future in incalculable ways. My college applications or job prospects might have been affected. New friends, classmates or colleagues could have judged me based on momentary mistakes that happened years earlier."

As always, this is an issue of balance.  And perhaps it can look different for different families.  We know people who make sure that there are NO pictures of their children on the internet.  Our approach is a little more liberal.  We post most pictures privately (preferably with watermarks) and try to limit the pictures that other people post of him.  When I write, I try to keep stories about Hadden to a minimum, respecting the fact that he is more than simply my son - he is an individual, deserving of my respect and honor.  It's not easy and sometimes it feels like we're being overly cautious about nothing.  Articles like these encourage me that I am doing the right thing.  And I hope that some day my son will appreciate and recognize the respect we have tried to give him.

article from The Gospel Coalition

Today I happened upon The Gospel Coalition's website.  Although I'm familiar with TGC, I'm not on their website often, but today I was looking for something in particular.  However, an article on the front page grabbed my attention called "Parents, Do You Think Before You Post?" by Jen Wilkin.

Here's an excerpt:

Every day parents use social media and the blogosphere to offer up photos and posts chronicling all manner of child misbehavior, parental frustrations, and mishaps involving bodily fluids. I think these posts are made by well-meaning parents, unaware that they are creating an online identity for their children. But with every post, we construct a digital history of our child's life—a virtual scrapbook for public viewing—and we might want to think harder about the trail we are leaving behind. Do our comments and photos preserve our child's dignity or gratify our own adult sense of comedy? Do we post our thoughts to satisfy a need to vent? Do we miss the truth that our families need our discretion far more than our blog followers need our authenticity?

I've written before about our decision to make a private family blog to protect and respect our son's personhood.  Wilkin's post follows this same theme and is an important read for any parent.

haircutting woes

"Hair...like cutting it...takes a lot of concentration."

This radio interview is simply adorable.  The 5 year old sister decides to give her 3 year old sister a haircut (unbeknownst to her parents, of course).  In the clip, their father interviews them about the entire thing.

I think a certain sister of mine (who shall go unnamed) should listen to this.  Because she had (has?) a certain affinity for randomly cutting her own hair and cutting other people's as well.  ;)

article

My mama's here so I am happily busy showing her around town and running errands.  :)

But I wanted to share this beautiful article that just so happens to be written by my college mentor.  My favorite line:

"After knowing deeply Christian parents whose children have strayed, I believe that if my children are faithful disciples, it is a grace, not a gimmick."  

Thanks, Marlena, for the wise words.   

a link to make you think

A Republic of Front Porches by Patrick J. Deneen

Thanks to Marlena for sharing!