Wednesday, October 19, 2011

just this :)

Today I am writing a long letter to update my doctors at Mayo.  I really should have done this about 3 months ago, but it's been a little crazy in my life!

Writing this update is interesting.  I am remembering back to the times when I have been the sickest and remembering times when my soul felt completely starved.  There were days that seemed hopeless.  My emotional bathtub was constantly overflowing.  Just getting out of bed was a struggle.  I was not only waging war against my body, but against my mind.  When you're in constant pain for months on end, your mind considers things that otherwise would have seemed ludicrous.

Am I healed?  Well, no.

Have I found grace to keep pressing on?  Yes.

Does that make it all better?

No.

I still have about 50 bajillion questions to ask God someday.  My theology and my mind have been stretched as I've sought answers to the endless parade of questions in my mind.  My eyes still well up with tears when I think about those dark, dark days.

Psalm 23 says that God will be with us when we walk through "the valley of the shadow of death."  Some translators have said that it could also be translated: "when I walk through the valley of deep, deep darkness."  That's how it feels some days.  And it is something that few people can understand (truly, no one can exactly understand your situation as each one is unique)

I have a new sensitivity for theologies of suffering.  When someone else I hurting, I resist giving them the "pat Christians answers" that stings one's soul like lemon juice in a papercut.

Some days I think about the "friendly fire" in Christianity.  When our own people are wounded and aching, why do we inflict more pain?

That's all I have for today.  Nothing profound or new; just some reflections on living a hurting life.



p.s.  As I was digging through all my papers from Mayo I found some wedding planning stuff.  :)  It's fun to remember that even at that "low point" my mom and I were planning for the future.

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